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Warren Shea

Archive for the ‘Introspection’ Category

…in three years…

Monday, January 7th, 2013 at 1:01 am

Today is a special day for me. It’s the 3rd year anniversary since I quit World of Warcraft. Ironically, I was playing casually last month but that whole phase seems to have gone. I’m not sick anymore and back to doing/working on things that “matter”. I wrote a similar post last year and the year before.

What I’ve done in the last year

worldofwarren.com
2012: 164 posts between Jan 7, 2012 and Jan 7, 2013. On average, roughly 13.7 posts/month. As with last year, falling in line with my hope of 150-200 posts.
2011: 187 posts between Jan 7, 2011 and Jan 7, 2012
2010: 308 posts between Jan 26, 2010 and Jan 7, 2011

warrenshea.com
Completed! Even though one year ago, I was saying this was almost done…but I only finished in May 2012. Anyways, finishing this was a great feat and led me to my next project

kotobishoujo.com
45 – retroactive blog posts
55 – pages including statues
3 – other pages (checklist, faq, contact)

Twitter
2012: 594 (totalling 3425 since Jan 10, 2010)
2011: 1486 (totalling 2831 since Jan 10, 2010)
2010: 1345

Improved development skills

  • Improved quite a bit in jQuery, HTML5, CSS3, AJAX this year mostly due to warrenshea.com
  • Improved a lot in PHP due to the Facebook work project I had including learning the JavaScript/PHP SDK, Facebook App Creation, Like Gates, and Facebook and Twitter Share Dialogs
  • Installed/learned WAMP and Media Wiki

Note: Keep in mind that for 95% of these movies/shows/cartoons, I’m not technically just watching them. They’re just ON while I do other stuff, like dev or photography.
Movies

  • Karate Kid [Rewatch]
  • Catch Me If You Can [Rewatch]
  • Rise of the Planet of the Apes [Rewatch]
  • The Terminal [Rewatch]
  • The Prestige [Rewatch]
  • Karate Kid (2010) [Rewatch]
  • Tremors [Rewatch]
  • Training Day [Rewatch]
  • Superman Returns [Rewatch]
  • Gattaca [Rewatch]
  • Kick-Ass [Rewatch]
  • Back to the Future [Rewatch]
  • Wall-E [Rewatch]
  • Avengers [Rewatch]
  • Star Trek [Rewatch]
  • Men In Black [Rewatch]
  • The Rise of the Planet of the Apes [Rewatch]
  • Memento [Rewatch]
  • Jurassic Park [Rewatch]
  • The Lost World [Rewatch]
  • Jurassic Park III [Rewatch]
  • Good Will Hunting [Rewatch]
  • Gone in 60 Seconds [Rewatch]
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1 [Rewatch]
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze [Rewatch]
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 [Rewatch]
  • TMNT [Rewatch]
  • Turtles Forever [Rewatch]
  • Casino Royale [Rewatch]
  • Quantum of Solace [Rewatch]
  • Skyfall
  • Independence Day [Rewatch]
  • Jurassic Park [Rewatch]
  • Catch Me If You Can [Rewatch]
  • The King’s Speech [Rewatch]
  • Pursuit of Happyness [Rewatch]
  • Star Wars IV: A New Hope [Rewatch]
  • Iron Man [Rewatch]
  • City of God
  • The Butterfly Effect
  • Indie Game The Movie
  • The Goonies
  • The Illusionist
  • The Prestige
  • Anchorman
  • Avengers [Rewatch]
  • Amazing Spider-man
  • Brave
  • Dark Knight Rises
  • Spider-Man [Rewatch]
  • Spider-Man 2 [Rewatch]
  • Spider-Man 3 [Rewatch]
  • Jiro Dream of Sushi
  • Avengers
  • Titanic 3D
  • Titanic [Rewatch]
  • Scott Pilgrim [Rewatch]
  • Battle Royale [Rewatch]
  • Up in the Air
  • The Godfather Part III
  • Show

    • House S1-S7 [Rewatch], S8
    • The Walking Dead S1-S3
    • Gilmore Girls S1-S7
    • Glee S1-S2 [Rewatch], S3
    • Pushing Daisies S1-S2
    • Hell’s Kitchen S9 [Rewatch]
    • Breaking Bad S1-S5 [Rewatch]
    • MasterChef S3 [Rewtach]
    • Dawson’s Creek S1-S6
    • Big Bang Theory S5 [Rewatch]
    • Mistfits S3
    • One Tree Hill S1-S4 [Rewatch]
    • Glee S1-S2 [Rewatch]
    • The Glee Project S1

    Cartoon

    • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987) S1-S9
    • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003) S1
    • Samurai Pizza Cats E1-E13
    • Spectacular Spider-Man S1-S2 [Rewatch]
    • Batman The Animated Series [Rewatch]
    • Justice League: Doom

    Anime

    • Tekkaman Blade II
    • Tekkaman Blade
    • Steins;Gate
    • X-Men Anime
    • Persona
    • Spirited Away

    Reading

    • The Art of Racing in the Rain [Novel]
    • Ultimate Spider-Man 1-89 [Comic]
    • Amazing Spider-Man 654-700 [Comic]
    • Prince of Tennis Vol. 1-42 [Manga]
    • Hikaru no Go Vol. 1-23 [Manga]
    • Neon Genesis Vol. 13 [Manga]

    Gaming

    • Super Mario Bros. Wii U [Wii U]
    • Contra III: Alien Wars [SNES][Replay]
    • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time – Normal Mode [SNES][Replay]
    • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time – Hard Mode [SNES][Replay]
    • Kirby: Return to Dreamland [Wii]
    • New Super Mario Bros [DS]
    • Super Mario 3D Land [3DS]
    • Zelda: A Link to the Past [SNES][Replay]
    • Braid [PS3]
    • Kirby: Return to Dreamland [Wii] [Replay]
    • The New Super Mario Bros 2 [3DS]
    • The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword [3DS]
    • World of Warcraft – 80-85 – Annataz
    • World of Warcraft – 80-83 – Aldino
    • World of Warcraft – 80-83 – Sheaman
    • World of Warcraft – 80-82 – Blackcanary
    • World of Warcraft – 80-81 – Sudoku
    • World of Warcraft – 80-81 – Grimlock
    • Tiny Tower – 161 Floors
    • Diablo 3 – Level 43-52 (Monk) – Normal mode, Nightmare done, Hell mode Act 1
    • Diablo 3 – Level 1-20 (Demon Hunter) – Normal mode

    Art
    None

    Photography

    • Kotobishoujo: Scarlet Witch
    • Kotobishoujo: Phoenix
    • Kotobishoujo: Dark Phoenix
    • Kotobishoujo: Batgirl Black Costume
    • Kotobishoujo: Poison Ivy
    • Kotobishoujo: X-23 X-Force
    • Kotobishoujo: Christie Monteiro
    • Kotobishoujo: Catwoman
    • Kotobishoujo: Liara T’soni
    • Kotobishoujo: Supergirl
    • Kotobishoujo: Evil Supergirl
    • Kotobishoujo: Wonder Woman
    • Kotobishoujo: Batgirl Black Costume
    • Kotobishoujo: Supergirl
    • Canon Rebel T3i – new DSLR camera!

    Video

    • Converted 22 VHS Tapes to Digital
    • Converted 12 Camcorder Tapes to Digital

    What I hope to accomplish this year

    worldofwarren.com
    I hope to consistently update my achievements section.
    I also hope to do a few figure reviews. I have a lot of toys that don’t get much spotlight and I’d like to give them some.
    If this blog stays as is – a journal of my life – I plan to leave it as it. If I change the direction of this blog, I would hope to create a Facebook page for this.

    warrenshea.com
    This is done and I haven’t been updating/needed to update it much. At some point, I’ll have to gather any projects worth showing from May 2012 to now and add them to the Porfolio section. Otherwise, I’m pretty content with this.

    kotobishoujo.com
    I purchased the domain for this last year, in Oct 2011 but only started doing stuff with it in May 2012. It’s been about 7 months and while I’ve done a lot, there’s still much to do. My hope is to definitely finish this thing this year. And then I can start with other stuff…

    Blogging
    I’m content with my blogging. It’s not as much as I’d like but I don’t have the content to fill…so it all works out :)

    Reading, Art
    Don’t really care about these two things anymore…

    Gaming
    Here’s my Gaming TO DO list:
    The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time [Replay] – In progress already
    The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask
    The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword [Replay]
    Mega Man 1 – 5
    Mega Man Zero
    Super Mario Galaxy
    Super Mario Galaxy 2 (maybe)
    Final Fantasy III (VI)
    If I stick to this list, I should be able to get it down fairly easily.

    Photography
    Learn more about Photography !
    Improve on my macro shots including finishing my Kotobishoujo.com pics and adding some figures to my Figure Review section
    Purchase a 50mm (details pending) lens for everyday shots.

    Improving development skills
    Learn MVC and apply it to warrenshea.com (via backbone.js)
    Improve my OOP.
    ASP.NET MVC?
    Become Microsoft Certified in something? SQL?
    There’s a lot I could put here, but technology is always changing…it’s hard to predict what I’ll want to know in the year.


    How I’ve changed professionally this last year

    It’s been a critical year professionally for me. I’ve been looking at posts from the last 3 years and 2 years ago, I had a crushing experience – not getting the senior developer role despite both applying and feeling qualified for it. Oddly enough, I got the role, unofficially a few months after. And I had that role, title and responsibility, but not the pay for a year+.

    After doing the role but not getting paid for it (for a year~) my work ethic changed. It got worse – I’d come in late, and I’d leave early. In a way, justifying my job and low(er) pay by working less hours, to increase my pay ratio I guess.

    And 1/2 way through last year, I finally got my promotion + salary increase. But unfortunately, my work ethic stayed around the same – poor. It only becomes great when I work on an interesting project. And that’s more for personal gain/motivation than professional (well, I guess it’s both).

    So basically, I’m enjoying my life now. I got my senior developer title. I got my senior developer pay. But I don’t work that hard. And I choose the jobs I want…cuz I’m a diva. Though I tend to also take shitty projects. Funny thing is, I actually downgraded my title (but not my pay) to Intermediate Developer, so I that can still develop and do less project management/overseeing. I’d still rather develop than be in meetings and talk/consult. There’s still much to gain from being in the front-lines. I got very good at being confident with my voice and critical thinking/situations – making the right call/judgement in a critical situation. It’s a skill I think will help throughout my life. To weigh my options and determine what’s best.

    How I hope to change professionally this year

    I’ve been casually interviewing. Talking with headhunters. I’m finding that a lot of people find me on LinkedIn, but once they go to warrenshea.com, they’re sold. They want to talk to me about job…cuz my website is so awesome :D Unfortunately, in these scenarios, most of the jobs they offer suck. Not interested in being the only developer on a site/in a company. Sigh…stop offering me that crap.

    Not sure where I want to go professionally actually…but I want to improve my development skills personally and professionally. Again, I don’t always know where I’m headed but as long as I’m pointed in the right direction.


    …in three years…

    I’ve done a lot since I quit WoW, three years ago today. It’s funny, WoW’s not even a part of my life anymore, it seems odd to pay some kind of tribute to not playing it when I barely think about it nowadays. But I guess I must always remember the 5 years, 400 days of playtime I wasted to that game. I must always remember to keep busy to make up for that time.

    Reading last year’s post, I’m in a much better place happyness-wise. And isn’t that what it’s always about? Being happy? The answer is: yes.

    ENT + Inner Strength

    Tuesday, December 18th, 2012 at 2:15 am

    Went to see an ENT today. That’s an Ear Nose Throat specialist. Otorhinolaryngology is what they call it. I don’t even know how to pronounce it.

    Had an issue with my ear a month ago. The reason I had to go to the ER. On a scale of 1-10, the issue is a 3. Meaning there’s nothing much worth doing. When I went to the ER, it probably escalated to an 8…but those times are rare, most times it’s a 3.

    I also wanted to talk to the ENT about my tonsils. He said they’re slightly larger than normal but as they’ve never been infected, there’s not much reason for a Tonsillectomy. I think removing my tonsils may help some breathing issues I occasionally have, as well as help my snoring. On a scale of 1-10, the issue is…a 2. Meaning there’s nothing much worth doing.

    You know what I have? I bunch of minor issues where nothing is worth doing anything. I live my life in mild discomfort for various reasons. But…realistically, if that’s the worst it gets in my life, I’ll consider myself pretty lucky.

    Almost everyone in my life that I can think of has had surgery, or some cancer, or been in a bad car accident, or had something wrong with them that they were in the hospital for week+.
    I’ve never had any of that stuff…I get sick a lot recently (cold/flu), had pneumonia…went to the ER for 2 hours…nothing ever really bad, like the above. I wonder if that’s luck…or if life’s got a wazoo of a challenge for me in my later years. I fear the day something really bad happens. I figure you can only go through so many bad things in your life…statistically. And I think I’m about due. That scares me.

    What does the future hold for one who is no longer young and healthy? I’m not ready to leave the world of the young and healthy. I’m mentally far too young – I still think I’m basically invincible – a mentality that is for a younger me.

    You know what I realized? When you’re younger, you think you’re invincible. You drive fast, you take risks….because you know that if you die, while others are sad, your life is basically just you. You’re not tied to anything. If I were to have gotten in a life-threatening situation, I might be inclined to give up, given how dire the situation were (I’m fairly weak willed in survival mentality, you can tell). But when you’re older…and you’ve gotten more ties – your girlfriend/wife or boyfriend/husband, you need to stay alive…for them. And that gives you a much higher will to survive. And if you have kids, you have even more reason – and will/fight – to live.

    I was just thinking about how “I didn’t really care if I died” (don’t misconstrue this as a desire for suicide) when I was younger. But I’m not like that anymore – I follow the rules a lot better. I love to drive fast but I know it’s not safe (well, I always knew it wasn’t safe) but I didn’t have much to lose before. But it’s not like that anymore. It’s not about how much I have to lose if I die. It’s how much my significant other and/or future kids lose if I die. And that gives me a whole new reason to live.

    Where does inner strength come from? I don’t believe it comes from within. Ironically, I believe inner strength comes from without.

    /too much philosophy and introspection

    Shawshank Prison

    Sunday, November 4th, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    Recently saw The Shawshank Redemption for the 3rd or so time. There’s are a couple conversations in it where Red (Morgan Freeman) and Heywood (another prison inmate) argue about Brooks (an old prison inmate) about the concept of being institutionalized (institutionalized syndrome). Here are the conversations:

    Red: These walls are funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That’s institutionalized.
    Heywood: Shit. I could never get like that.
    Prisoner: Oh yeah? Say that when you been here as long as Brooks has.

    and later…

    Red: Would you knock it off? Brooks ain’t no bug. He’s just… just institutionalized.
    Heywood: Institutionalized, my ass.
    Red: The man’s been in here fifty years, Heywood. Fifty years! This is all he knows. In here, he’s an important man. He’s an educated man. Outside, he’s nothin’! Just a used up con with arthritis in both hands.

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    I think that sums up my stay at my current workplace pretty well. I’ve been there 7 years in total (3 co-op, 1 contract, 5 full time) and it’s all I really know. I’ve been to other companies but not at the level I am today. In my current role, I’m an important man. One of the most important. But out there, I might be nothing. And it’s terrifying. I’ve literally worked years to build up to be where I am. And while the skills will likely transfer over to another role, I don’t want to build up the respect I have now somewhere else. I’d rather be an important person, one of the “go-to developers” than “one of the developers”.

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    I know the real reason why I haven’t left my ‘prison’ in years. Even when it’s been bad.

    One is fear. Fear of what else is out there, fear of not being important, fear of failure.

    And that ties into the other reason: pride.
    Pride is a tricky thing. It can be the reason why a person might not do something rational, expected, obvious….and be the reason why a person might do something stubborn, unexpected, irrational.

    For someone with a high pride, I don’t want to feel the fear of failure. Of not being respected or skilled or important.

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    In a recent post, I asked myself when the chance for me to become great will be. And I realize: I can never be great with fear and pride in the way. The truth of why I haven’t been great is because I let the most important years pass me by. I let fear and pride get in the way. I looked opportunity in the eye and I cowered away from it. I never applied for the jobs I should have applied for. Never grasped the opportunity when it came for me. I made a success of my life for what it is, but did not try to make a success of my life for what it could be.

    There was even a point, when I just got out of school, that I was offered an opportunity at Microsoft. Unfortunately, I actually couldn’t take it at the time. But I never did follow up with that. Or try to get it back. That and countless times when I didn’t do when I should have, because pride and fear got in the way.

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    So it’s either:
    Try to become great – let go of my fear and pride and strive for higher grounds.
    Or
    Try to become great and strive for higher grounds without abandoning fear and pride.

    The latter is how I’ve lived my life – and it’s been working out for me. Except that fact about being “great”. But how important is it to become great? It it just in my head? I’m living a decent life right now…do I need to be great? and what does that even mean?

    I do believe that it’s possible that I can never be great simply because of how self-aware I am. Because I’m self-aware of my flaws, it makes me that much more susceptible to them. Whereas one who’s oblivious to such fears will blindly jump into a scenario that could cause great success…or great failure. I’m a careful person, cold, calculating….that’s who I am. Would I change that to become “great”? Definitely not. I’ve chosen a safe path in life for one cannot become great without taking great risk, and possibly failing.

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    Anyways, just been thinking about some stuff lately. That’s enough for now.

    Hi. It’s been a while…

    Friday, September 21st, 2012 at 12:00 am

    I’m so behind on my posts this month.

    I’ve been working like crazy the last fews days…despite a mild fever. I’ve been pulling 12 hour~ days.
    I’m trying to finish two projects by this Friday so I’m working really hard to meet those timelines (though one of them could be late).

    My weekend was pretty busy and relaxing…but my Monday was rough.

    See, every once in a while (I’m talking 2-3 times a year), I get this feeling of depression. I don’t know what it is, I wake up and I’m just not seeing things positively. It’s a temporary phase though, I know that I’ll feel like this for x amount of time and once this has passed, I know I won’t even be able to feel like this again, even if I were to try.

    Anyways, Monday was rough. I knew I wasn’t feeling great so I decided to get myself a coffee (I don’t usually drink coffee anymore). Caffeine wakes me up and also generally turns my grumpy demeanour into a more pleasant façade. Usually. But again, sometimes coffee has an alternate effect. Sometimes it makes me jittery and anxious. Well, guess what it did to me on Monday. The jitteryness and anxiety, coupled with a full day of production issues, one after another, and not being able to work on my projects (that have impending deadlines), and a developing fever….and it was like a perfect storm of sh!ttyness.

    I could feel the caffeine in me, the jitteryness, all day and night Monday. I could feel it on Tuesday. I only got rid of that jittery feeling Wednesday. Not sure if it was the caffeine but I also had a bit of stress/work filled insomnia the last couple nights. I slept early on Tuesday but woke up wired, stressed, and worried in the middle of the night. I ended up deving for 2.5 hours from 2am-4:30am, trying to use my insomnia-tic time effectively. Because I know that the more productive I am, the easier it will be to fall asleep (because I feel like I’ve accomplished something), and the less stressed I’ll be the next day or so.

    I’m in a decent place right now work wise. My deadlines seem reachable. My fever is pretty much gone and I don’t feel the caffeine anymore, nor the stress/anxiety/insomnia or depression.

    Even as I write this, it’s difficult trying to describe, or feel my depression. Had I written this on the day I was actually depressed, the words would have come much easier.

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    One of the things that really depressed me, which is still somewhat lingering in my mind is: is my future in (web/application) development?

    I’ve tried so hard to believe it is. I’ve spent so much time the last 3 years focusing on development in my future. But I know…I’m not a natural developer. I don’t have a born gift with it, it’s not something that comes as naturally to me as it does for others. And I use my uni comp sci friends as a comparison. Some of them were excellent programmers. A born talent I couldn’t hope to achieve. Even now, with all my learning, my understanding is below theirs. It’s…depressing. Many of them don’t even develop anymore. And some of them, of whom I felt superior to back in those days have since surpassed me.

    I’m not using my time effectively.

    But the thing is…in my own way, I am. Compared to my co-worker peers (who walk the same path as I), I develop far more than any of them. And, compared to my co-workers, it shows as I’ve risen to the top. I’m ahead of a dozen of other developers. But I still feel inferior. If I were to go to any other more technical company, I would be junior/intermediate…I believe. And I know that staying here stunts my growth…but I’m also terrified to see what else is out there. Because I’m comfortable here, I matter, I’m important. But out there…I’m just a dime a dozen.

    I think the only way to get over my fear, while still staying at this company, is to improve on my free time. Which is what I’ve been trying to do. I’ve been trying to learn this and that, the things I don’t learn at work. Development is an interesting thing: you can get better at it on your own time. I would say that in most jobs, you can only improve while you’re at work. Development is not so. I feel lucky this way because I generally have more “free” time than the average person due to my antisocialness. But I can’t forget many other developers with similar personalities also have this “advantage”.

    So in all this time I’ve had, why have I progressed so little. Is it that I try to surpass genius with hard work? But I’m finding that no amount of hard work can surpass natural talent (totally thinking of Rock Lee VS Neji here). Am I not challenging myself? Am I not reading enough? I spend much of my time developing…developing warrenshea.com, secretproject kb…but none of that is really challenging. I spend so much time but I’m not learning enough. I’m still staying in my comfort zone.

    I enjoy development but I want to be great at it. Not just good. I want more for myself. But I don’t feel confident that I have the skill to back that up now. And if not now, then when? I feel that I’ve already past my…age when something great should have happened.

    I wonder…if this isn’t my natural skill…then what is?

    People think I’m a great artist.
    People think I’m the anime king.
    People think I’m the cartoon god.
    People think I’m the computer whiz.
    People think I’m the hardcore gamer.
    People think I’m smart.

    But as good as any of my skills are, I’m not that good at any of these things. I don’t have an exceptional talent at any of these things. I personally know people who are better/more into any of these things. I’m a jack of all trades, master of none.

    So where is my genius? Where is my natural talent? What is that one thing that I’m exceptional at and why haven’t I found it yet? Or will I live my life never knowing what that skill could be.
    (I wrote this in a prev blog post but it’s relevant now) – I look at those rock balancers at the CNE. They’re exceptionally skilled at what they do. But how would one discover such a skill? How many people go through life never knowing what their exceptional talent is? Am I one of them?

    I’m been contemplating if development is the right path for me. I’ve been so sure for years now. I love it. Honestly, there is almost nothing that can pull me away from a good developer groove. I thrive on those rare moments. I’m not working 12 hours a day lately and hating it. I’m working 12 hours a day and going to sleep, excited for what I’m going to do tomorrow. The only reason I sleep is necessity. So if I love it so much…why am I still not as strong as I’d like to be.
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    I had a job interview a few months back. It was for a job that I wasn’t qualified for. But I wanted to be qualified for it. I’m a senior front-end developer. But I also do PHP and ASP.NET…so my resume lists me as a senior web developer. So the job I was applying for was for that. But that’s not me.

    And even in the interview, they said that I had progressed quite far and quite fast given my experience. Even at my current job, I feel that way. 6 years ago I was just entering the work force but I’m at the head of department on a technical level. BUT I STILL FEEL SO BEHIND.

    It’s stupid. I want to get a job I’m somewhat unqualified for. One where I get the time and environment to catch up. But no one wants to hire an unqualified person. I keep having headhunters call me because of my awesome warrenshea.com website and the fact that I’m listed as a senior web developer. But when we discuss, on a technical level, what is required for the prospective job, I always come up short. Because…I’m not qualified to be the senior web developer, despite my current title/role.

    I think I’m going to change my resume to Senior Front End Web Developer…but then I’ll only get contacted for people looking to do Senior Front End Web Development. But I want more, I want PHP and ASP.NET………sigh, such a stupid situation I’m in. I could purposely sell myself short and say I’m an Intermediate Web Developer…but that’s not really true to me either. I’m senior now and I’ve earned it. (any advice would be helpful please)

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    So this has been what’s been on my mind this week. This, and that I’ve been developing ridiculous hours all week…a difficult project too so I’m having a lot of fun, and thus have no desire to blog.

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    Usually I feel so together. I’ve spent a lot of thinking figuring out where I want to be. But right now, I feel unsettled. Unsatisfactory. I don’t feel I’m living up to my potential. I want to be great. Some people are born with greatness, some people have greatness thrust upon them. So if neither of those are/will be true for me, how can I become great. Will I be swept up in fate or will I create my own destiny? Can I still be great? I don’t think it’s too late. But what can I do to get me there?

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    Things change…Part II

    Thursday, August 23rd, 2012 at 1:40 am

    I’ve been watching this Persona anime and I’m finding it’s been really bad/boring. Actually, I found X-Men Anime bad and boring to. I thought it was because they were simply bad shows but…I think my standards just got higher.

    Some of the first animes I ever watched were Initial D, Get Backers, Hikaru no Go, Gate Keepers, S-cry-ed.
    Initial D and Hikaru no Go hold up, I could watch any episode now and still love it.
    Get Backers and Gate Keepers, I must have watched over and over and over and over again. I loved them so much. But…I don’t really watch them anymore. I still think parts of Get Backers is good (the first 25 eps), but not all of it is great (actually, it starts to get bad as soon as it starts deviating from the manga, so that’s probably why). And Gate Keepers was one of my favourite animes before but I’m finding now that it’s pretty generic.

    Actually, I’m realizing that Persona is almost exactly like Gate Keepers in terms of storyline flow. 2-3 characters introduced in the first 3 episodes. A new character joins each episode afterwards, joining the ensemble. The final team is realized. A few episodes of character development and/or filler. The climax / epic battle. Is Persona really awful because I’ve seen it before (as Gate Keepers)? Is it awful because it’s like Gate Keepers but worse? Or is it simply awful because I’m no longer 20 and I simply don’t like the same stuff anymore. What, the highschool anime kids aren’t as relate-able to me anymore? Probably. And that makes me feel sad. And old.

    But I’m also not the same person who’s so….crazy anime fan anymore. The person that, if I met now, would probably be like ‘umm, ur weird, i’m gonna go stand over here now’ *walks away*. I sometimes cringe at the eager, ultra enthusiastic person I used to be but I don’t regret it. That was me then and this is me now.

    I mean, look at this list of things I bought at FanExpo ONLY TWO YEARS AGO


    ….actually, that’s a bad example because the only things I bought there, that I wouldn’t buy now are 2 DC Ame-comi figures. I’d probably have purchased everything else.
    Damn, I thought I would have been like “I would only buy 10% of this stuff”. Okay, maybe things haven’t changed that much in 2 years.

    ….but in 10, definitely :)

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    The problem with getting older is a lack of time. You have a full time job now. You come home and many days, you’re exhausted. You have family and friends to be with. And you have your own projects. You simply don’t have the time to waste on bad shows. You have to use your time effectively. So maybe the reason these shows bother me so much is that I know there’s better stuff out there. I’m just not watching it….and I’m too OCD to leave it unfinished.

    Honestly, I want kids. I’ve always wanted kids. But right now, I don’t want kids. Because kids eat up your time. You’re no longer just you. You have a priority that takes far more precedence than yourself. You learn to be more selfless. Less selfish. And that scares the personal side of me. Because I love things as they are now. I want kids. Eventually. I just want to still live the loving couple life. Not the loving family life. Not yet at least.