I’ve contemplated death since I was fairly young. There were some personal issues that my family had, surprisingly not related to death at all. I was very young at the time, probably around 8…I tried to figure out why my family had…issues. Despite no evidence whatsoever, I assumed that they were scared of death. Looking back, I don’t think it was that at all…it was just my imagination running off on me…

I often daydream…”what would happen if I were to suddenly die”. If I died tomorrow, how would people remember me? Would people who know me (but not very well), visit my site and read/learn things about me and realize there’s more (or less) to me than they thought? 5 or 8 years down the line, if I have kids and my site is still working…would this site be the best way for my kids to learn about me? A picture isn’t quite worth a thousand words when it doesn’t really answer any of the important questions.
“What was he like?”
“Why did he make certain choices in life and how did he lead his life?”

You can get answers for those questions from people that know me best but most people don’t speak ill of the dead. I’d prefer it if people spoke of my life or myself, to “Tell it truly; the ill deeds along with the good, and let me be judged accordingly” (that’s a line right out of Beast Wars – if you recognize the line, it’s my favorite episode of the series). But even those stories from other people are not first hand experiences. Journals, blogs, written thoughts…those are probably the best way to connect to a person. When I write…I often write to preserve myself. To write about anything and everything, to try to discuss anything I’m passionate about and feel that connection with someone else. To touch the lives of others and know that I’ve made a difference.

As people, making a difference in someone’s life is important. It means a part of you is a part of them. That even if something were to happen to you, a part of you lives on in every life you’ve touched. It’s all about legacy…

Lex Luthor, despite his intelligence and greatest, his legacy will be dwarfed compared to that of Superman. That’s why he hates Superman so. In a world where he should be king, he can’t help but be perceived as a mere spec compared to Superman. How annoying for him. I feel his frustration and anger.

I’ve been told before that this site is basically me…in a blog. Though intended as a simple comment, I’ve found that comment to be very…reassuring. If the goal of this website is to represent me as closely as possible, I can think of no higher compliment.

I have no children. I have a ton of material possessions. I have toys, comics, dvds. But those aren’t unqiue to me. If I were to pass on, what do I offer that’s specifically unique to me? Without children and the life I would give them…do I have nothing? I have the people I’ve touched….but in 100 years, that won’t mean anything. What can I offer the world? What’s my legacy? More importantly, what’s yours?

/feels good to write again

Because I like lists:

A list of what motivates me the most to what motivates me the least to what unmotivates me. This ranges anywhere from web development to web design to gaming to technology knowledge to cooking to…well, anything.

Anger/Revenge – I didn’t really see this coming but I’m pretty sure now that I’m powered by the Dark side. I’m definitely at my best when I’m angry and my blood is boiling. I’m determined, dedicated, focused. No amount of (the following list) compares. I thrive on negativity.

Unhappiness – Again, fueled by negativity. I’m motivated when I’m unhappy. I seek to improve myself so that I can become happy again…

Skilled Competition – Similar people with similar interests…who are near equal skill. They motivate me to be better. I’ve always been above average…people with skill, people that threaten me…make me want to be better.

Ego – I’m proud of the work I do. Similar to the above, I’ve always been above average. I wouldn’t settle for anything less for myself.

Responsibility – I’m more responsible than I am irresponsible. I’m reliable, dependable…and even if I don’t want to do something or it’d be easier not to, if I have a responsibility to do it, I’ll get it done as opposed to just let it fail.

Self Improvement – Wanting to improve myself just to be better…usually it doesn’t last too long. I try something out for a bit…and then lose my focus and move on to something else.

Really skilled competition – Similar people with similar interests…who dwarf me with their awesomeness. I don’t think that being hard working can always surpass natural talent (sorry Rock Lee!) Also, I’m not THAT hard working. They win, I give up :S

Unskilled Competition – Similar people with similar interests…who suck. They make me realize that I’m better than them and I’ll always be better than them. It makes me cocky, arrogant, lazy. I’m not motivated to improve.

I wrote this on a whim…it’s not really thought out or organized well…there are probably a lot of factors that I missed. Ah well, I’m tired. I wanted to study .NET tonight, wanted to convert some videos for my iphone/psp….didn’t have time for any of that. Boourns. 14 hour day @ work….and walking home in 33 C humid weather = u_u – ZzzzzZzz*snort*zzZz

…a lot’s changed for me. I feel like I’m actually living my life. I’m pretty sure my life started to fade away into nothing when I started playing World of Warcraft. I’d always intended to make a post regarding my World of Warcraft regrets…but at this point it seems like a moo point. A cow’s opinion. It doesn’t matter (that’s a quote from Joey in Friends).

I spent 400 days of playtime on WoW. 400 days = 9600 hours (400×24)
9600 hours divided by 8 hours a day of average playtime (8 hours sleep, 8 hours work, 8 hours WoW) = 1200 days
1200 days = about 3 years of playing WoW for 8 hours EVERYDAY.

Now, I didn’t play everyday, it spanned out for 5 years…but…well, it’s a lot of time. An insane amount.

While I enjoyed playing WoW, it really…set back everything in my life. Sure, I was able to maintain my job and girlfriend but…a lot of things were sacrificed. My social life, my health, other games, my web design/development skills. I’m at least 3-5 years behind in LIFE at this point…but these last 4 months, I feel I’ve really changed in a lot of ways.

Looking at where I am now…the site I’ve built this last month, the blogs I’ve posted, the people I’ve connected with…four months ago, I would have never seen this coming. This site especially…I’d been planning on building a new site, learning more about web, etc for years now. But this last month I’ve finally gotten off my ass to do something. I feel like…all that potential I had and wasted these last few years…I feel like I’m starting to get that back. I feel like I can reach the stars. I had been talking about doing things with my life, improving myself, talking about big ideas and goals…but that was all talk. I’d get home and play WoW and forget all the motivation I had during the day.

But things are different now…I walk home and I’m excited to work on this or do that. It’s no longer all talk…I feel like I’m taking leaps towards goals. Maybe they’re not leaps, just regular steps…but compared to the rate I was moving before, they seem like giant leaps.

I’m very happy with how I’ve changed these last four months…and I look forward to a future of reaching my potential.