Every once in a while, I have days where something doesn’t feel right. I’m unsettled. And I have no idea why…it’s sort of like depression but not quite…

It’s a feeling of…being unsettled, I don’t quite know how to explain it better. I start to question myself:
Is this where I want to be? Is my life on the right track? Why do I feel this way and how can I fix it?

The result is quite a bit of introspection.

So I’m going to write the things I thought about today…in a good day of self-reflection and self-analysis.

Work
I was feeling unsettled at work. Questioning if I’m where I want to be. I looked at the projects I’ve done and the projects that I’m looking forward to doing. The result was pretty disappointing. The projects I’ve liked have been the ones that I’ve started on my own, because I thought things could be better or streamlined. Or because I thought it’d be fun to develop, so I threw a business case around it :) The fun I have at work occurs when I make my own projects. When I look towards the future, are there enough interesting projects to satisfy my professional interest?

There are a lot of PROs of my current job and few CONs (everytime I make PRO CON lists, I think of Rory in Gilmore Girls…I remember her saying “Do not mock my Pro/Con list”…I ask the same of you as well).
PROs:
– I work in a centralized internet web team. What this means is that, from a learning perspective, I’m able to use, understand, and learn from various content management system. Well over 10 in my 3 years with this group. We work on tons of different platforms, sites, languages. I’m worried that if I were to go somewhere else, I might only be exposed to a few systems. What if they aren’t what I like? What if the tools are terrible? A strong reason why I like this job is I’m learning about a lot of things, learning from tons of different directions. Being a jack of all trades, my forte.
– I’m part of an internet team meaning: my stuff is public. And I’ve thought about this a number of times, I would not want to do intranet stuff. I enjoy being able to look/show others what I’ve done if there’s an internet connection available. I like that I can put things in my portfolio or resume that I’m allowed to. If I did intranet stuff, basically ALL my stuff would be locked down. Unable to show anyone or discuss.
– I’m in a team that, while we use outdated CMS systems, also explore new and exciting things around the web. Social media (Facebook, Twitter, Blogging) for example, maybe something with mobile devices, it’s the web…but a different part of the web. It’s brand new and exciting.

Basically, of all the places inside a large corporation that I could be, I’m exactly where I want to be. An important member of the main internet web team.

CONs:
– Working on an internet team means that you can’t use a lot of the technologies/techniques out there. A glaring one is PHP. We will NEVER do anything in PHP because of the lack of support. It’s disappointing as it’s something I would like to learn more about. Granted, I’m able to develop in PHP internally but that means the only time I would use it would be for a personal/internal project. And I do not want to do intranet stuff :P
– I’m starting to get tired of doing work below my skill. Granted, I’ve gotten less and less of that within the last few years but even the mindless jobs that I didn’t use to mind are starting to bother me. I ask myself “why am I doing this? is this what I want to be doing?”…which led to the last piece of written text.

There are more PROs, being close to home, flexible hours, being able to work from home, being one of the most important developers on the team and having the ability to pass off the crappy work I don’t wanna do delegate.

It looks like there may be lots of exciting, interesting work in the future for me so…to answer my questions:
Is this where I want to be?
Right now, the answer is yes.

My website: Themes
It’s pretty obvious that my themes idea has been a failure. It’s not like I haven’t been doing anything with my site. I’ve been blogging somewhat consistently though I haven’t been updating other aspects of my site like I usually do. The various sections, Hobbies and Projects, Gallery, and Language Reference are updated slowly and in some cases, never (poor Language Reference section :( ). It’s been so difficult doing/conceptualizing themes and I finally figured out why.

The difference with my site and http://www.csszengarden.com/ is that my site is ultimately more complicated. The buckets of content change frequently and there’s only 1 level of navigation. I’ve wanted to make 2 levels of navigation but it would be impossible to develop any kind of functional/interesting navigation that’s compatible with multiple CSS files. I would want a jQuery or DHTML or JavaScript navigation…but would that be adaptable by simply changing the CSS? The answer is no. Not only the navigation but the other aspect that would trouble me in the “Choose your theme” menu. Building it with my Blogger theme is easy, they’re just links. But even my Megaman theme, with the buttons, animated gif during mouseover….to create that solely with html and CSS would be impossible. So how did I create it? it’s a function in JavaScript. What’s preventing me from calling functions to create the menus in JavaScript? Nothing…except it’s ridiculously annoying to document.write HTML in a JavaScript file/syntax.

And so, I had an epiphany. But I’m slightly embarrassed as to why I didn’t think of this earlier. I will create the navigation and choose your theme…in PHP during the rendering of the site, and not have it created client side with JavaScript. Why didn’t I do this earlier? It goes against the CSS Zen Garden concept…which is what the themes idea is fundamentally about (that the site can change entirely with a simple change of CSS). But I’ve come to the conclusion that I will have to leave behind the resolve of mine to mimic that style of site if I truly wish to create an interesting, dynamic site with different types of navigations and different site personalities.

I’m going to spend my next major site updates converting the navigation and choose your theme code to be built in PHP and not JavaScript. With the ability to create new, interesting navigations and choose your theme menus, as complicated as I wish, I no longer have to think inside the box regarding the different themes I wanted to do. It will make the concept I have for the Naruto theme, and other themes I have in mind, way better.

My website: Content
I’m planning to restructure my site and its content in the near future. I’m unsatisfied with the navigation and the tabs. I’m limited to the amount of horizontal space on a single line for the navigation. I want to change that.

Home/Blog
About me – Portfolio – Resume
Hobbies & Projects – Galleries
References and Links – Language Reference – Site Reference/Links
Basically…4 buckets? I don’t know, I just made that list up on the fly…I will give it more thought. I definitely see that my site is….organizationally challenged.

I dislike the number of files I have, the number of if statements for editing content. I dislike that this site doesn’t really use a database and that my galleries is created with some PHP and creative client side thinking. It still doesn’t compare, efficiently, to what could be done with XML and AJAX, something I might pursue for my gallery. I need an easier way to update my pages…a CMS maybe but I doubt it’s worth it to build that. There are other projects I’d like to do….

Personal happiness
Going back to feeling unsettled, I always question my own personal happiness. When I was younger, I used to play this “why?” game with myself. I would say a random statement and ask myself “why?” repeatedly and I would ultimately always find my own personal meaning of life. For example:
1.
Warren A: I buy toys.
Warren B: Why?
Warren A: Because I enjoy displaying them, looking at them.
Warren B: Why?
Warren A: Because it reminds me what it’s like to be a child.
Warren B: Why?
Warren A: Because adults generally tend to forget the child within them, it’s something I never want to do.
Warren B: Why?
Warren A: Because it’s a time of innocence, a time of pure-hearted fun. The feeling I get when I’m reminded of a time like that is precious to me.
Warren B: Why?
Warren A: Because it makes me happy. And living a happy life is important to me because why would you want to live life any other way?

2.
Warren A: I work.
Warren B: Why?
Warren A: Because I need money.
Warren B: Why?
Warren A: Because money pays for food, shelter, and fun. Without money life would be difficult.
Warren B: Why (is that important)?
Warren A: Because I don’t want to lead a difficult life. I want one free of monetary stress. Because having more money will ultimately make me happier than not having it. And living a happy life is important to me because why would you want to live life any other way?

…..Okay, I think it sounds better in my head than written out. The idea is that fundamentally, you want to make yourself happy (that doesn’t sound right :/ ). Life is what you make of it and quite possibly THE underlying goal in my life is to be happy in it. And if I have to work hard or sacrifice things to achieve that, so be it. But I do believe you can work hard and still do something fun, something that makes you happy. Which is why I’m a web developer, combining hobby with profession. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Conclusion
Back to the original issue…on a day like today, where I feel unsettled, I ask myself: Why? Why do I feel this way and how can I fix it? And when I look at my life and it’s fundamental goal of being happy, I don’t think there IS anything to fix. I’m in good health (for now). I’m in a stable, long-term relationship. I have a stable job that I enjoy. I have friends, family, pets. I do have any worries. I don’t have anything to complain about really…So why do I feel unsettled?

The truth is that I can’t come up with anything. So maybe nothing’s wrong.

.
.
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I took a nap when I got home, after feeling unsettled for about 10 hours. And after a 1 hour nap, I felt fine. Looking at the world through refreshed eyes. Honestly, the only reason I can think of as to why I had this unsettling feeling…was a bad night’s sleep.

So that answers the titular question.

/poor climax is disappointing