Warren Shea - World of Warren

Archive for the ‘Introspection’ Category

Motivation VS Happiness + Lifelong goals

Friday, March 26th, 2010 at 9:46 pm

I’ve had a number of realizations today.

I am only motivated in life when I’m unhappy or there’s something to strive/work for. And I’m not talking about general learning here and there, I’m talking about being motivated enough to sacrifice something fun to do something productive.

6 Years ago, this was the status of my life long goals:
1. Finding a profession/career that I enjoy over one I don’t – TO DO
2. Finding a girlfriend/wife who understands me and accepts me for who I am – TO DO
3. Being financially well off enough that I can do what I want, when I want – TO DO

6 Years ago, I was in school. I hadn’t been going out with Zena yet. I hadn’t started playing World of Warcraft.

6 Years ago, I was
1. More social with friends, going out, etc.
2. Ambitious – I was eager to learn
3. Thinner and more healthy. Well, I was still unhealthy but my metabolism was better so I wasn’t the fatty I am today.

Now, within 2 years of this older Warren (so within 6-4 years ago)…I started playing Warcraft. Suddenly I was slightly less social. My learning/productive time was also divided due to Warcraft. Then, I started going out with Zena. At this point, I did a disappearing act on my friends…I tried my best to NOT do the disappearing act, since I had been single my whole life and didn’t want to abandon my boyz (or as we used to call it “The Single Man’s Club”….@ least we laughed @ ourselves…) Anyways, I tried not to disappear but Zena was the person whom I’d started spending most of my time with. It took a while but Zena combined with Warcraft resulted in a new, anti-social Warren. Also, as a result of Zena, I literally let myself go (Note: I’m not blaming her btw, it’s just what happened…I don’t have anyone to blame but myself). We had been going out to eat frequently. Too frequently…and…well, honestly, being physically attractive became less important for me. Also, around this time, I also got a full time job. At this point, I was still eager to learn, eager to start my life in the work place. I was a rising star…I didn’t get Outstanding 3/6 times for nothing, I really did an awesome job….

This was 4 years ago. I had achieved all my lifelong goals and dreams. 4 Years ago. And with that, came happiness. And with happiness came a content life. And with that, came laziness. 2 weeks ago, I thought it was great that I had achieved all my life long goals. Clint praised me and I thought to myself “Yeah, I’m doing great for being so young! I’m legend-waitforit-dary). But I realize now that achieving your goals is a curse, not a blessing…

And the reason is….recently, 2 of my lifelong dreams/goals have been put into question:
1. Finding a profession/career that I enjoy over one I don’t
3. Being financially well off enough that I can do what I want, when I want
(I know some of you -Jeff/Anson- laughed when I called Zena a paperweight but she’s like, the most stable thing in my life…it fits…unfortunately for her :P)

So yeah…with 2 goals in question, I realize how…unhappy I am right now. And with that, how motivated I am to get my life back on track to fulfill these goals…

A bit of a side note…but ultimately related to the topic of goals…
Regarding being physically unfit…because of my way of thinking, that “if I were to die at any time, I’d be content with my life”…I live my life doing what I want, when I want. And eating what I want, when I want. I figure people generally stay physically fit to a) attract the opposite sex and b) live a long life. Since neither of these were goals for me, that didn’t matter. But…I’ve decided that if I’m going to improve myself, I’m going to need to set more goals for myself. Real goals, not that TO DO sh!t on the right –>. I don’t care so much about attracting the opposite sex. But…do I want to live a long life? I originally thought that it didn’t matter. But after talking with Zena, I realized…I do want to see something. I want to see my grandchildren. I unconditionally love my nephew and niece so much right now and I love the happiness they bring to my parents lives, as well as my own. I love children, I love to look at them, play with them. They’re so pure, so innocent, so happy. They’re wide-eyed, curious about everything. They don’t have any stress, they eat and sleep all day. Just like Dwarf Hamsters. And I’m very jealous. Now, I know (well, I’m fairly certain) I’ll live to see my kids and watch them grow up. But I’d really like to see my grandchildren…I’m not sure if “Live long enough to play with grandchildren” should be a life long goal, but I’ll make it an unofficial one…and try to work that goal into my everyday life.

I want to get back to Warren from 6 years ago. The social Warren, the ambitious Warren. Now that I’ve dropped Warcraft again, I’m getting a bit of both back already. Now that I’m unhappy with some aspects of my life, I’m motivated to improve myself.

The summary is that being content with life is a curse. When you have all your goals, you get lazy, sloppy, careless. And any of them can be taken away at any time. And if they are, your lazy, sloppy, careless attitude will put you so behind that when you try to regain your goals, it’s going to be extra hard. So the key is to always stay on your toes…working extra hard leads to burnout. Being far behind means you have to catch up. But if your life has balance….with a little extra hard work, you’ll be okay.

Now, I’m going to catch up. And when I do, I’ll try to never fall behind again.

Posted in All Posts, Friends, Introspection, My Life, Work | No Comments »

Learning new things

Monday, March 22nd, 2010 at 4:06 pm

After giving it some thought, I’m pretty disappointed with myself for writing:

“I don’t want to make life too difficult for myself. I enjoy being challenged but I also enjoy being lazy. Working too hard leads to burnout. For me, the key to life is always about balance.” – Hi. I’m Warren. I’m a web developer.

It sounds like I’m content with my current knowledge and that I don’t want to strive for more knowledge, for better things. That’s really one of the worst ways to look at life. I enjoy being challenged. I want to learn more about whatever interests me. I want and need to keep adapting to technology, learning new things. Watching new shows, not re-watching old shows I like. I just wanted to make it clear that I’m not content with what I know and that I’m not done with learning.

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Social Anxiety Disorder (Social Phobia)

Monday, March 22nd, 2010 at 2:05 am

I originally wanted to discuss another form of Social Anxiety Disorder: One on one interaction but as I’ve written this, I realize that I suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder in general.

I’m very uncomfortable in a one on one social situation unless it’s with someone I’m fairly comfortable with or it’s someone that I WANT to be with. For work related issues (i.e. meetings) it’s not so much of an issue. There’s a topic to be discussed and that is the focus. But I’ll avoid say

1) Going out to lunch with someone I’m not too familiar with or if I feel the situation might have awkward silences.
2) Being in a car with only one person.
3) Having one (or many) guests over at my place.

There are many exceptions. I don’t have any issues regarding the above with Zena, my good friends, or some of my co-workers. But I would generally avoid the situation with strangers or people with uncommon interests.

Regarding my co-workers, I’d feel comfortable with Clint, Karol, Ron or Chris. But I wouldn’t feel comfortable with Xin, Derek or any OLM (with the possible exception of Ackley). It’s not that they aren’t as close to me as my other co-workers but we don’t have as much in common. Once you get past work related topics, there’s not much to talk about with them (for me). They’re harder to talk to and I don’t like forcing conversation. I also don’t like the silence and thus, I’d avoid the situation in general.

I would be fine in a group of 3. Though with 3 people the dynamic completely changes. I don’t like if my brother stays over at my condo unless Zena’s there. I’ve been in a one on one with my brother, it’s not fun and it doesn’t turn out well. But when Zena’s around, it’s completely different. I also don’t generally like going out for coffee runs with just 1 person but I’d go if there are at least 2.

I wasn’t sure why this is, I assumed it was just another social anxiety issue (much like my eating in front of others phobia). But after trying to find this specific issue, I’ve come to the more general realization that I simply have Social Anxiety Disorder.

Wikipedia says:
Social anxiety is anxiety (emotional discomfort, fear, apprehension, or worry) about social situations, interactions with others, and being evaluated or scrutinized by other people.

Some items of note from this page that apply directly to me:
Social anxiety can also be self-integrated and persistent for people who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder, which can also make the social anxiety harder to overcome, especially if ignored.

Another site listed triggering situations. I will place a “Y” beside items which I have an issue with:
Being introduced to other people – Y
Being teased or criticized – Y – but I don’t know anyone that likes that…I get teased a lot, it doesn’t really bother me….criticized is different though. I can get defensive.
Being the center of attention – Y
Being watched or observed while doing something – Y
Having to say something in a formal, public situation – Y
Meeting people in authority (“important people/authority figures”) – Y
Feeling insecure and out of place in social situations (“I don’t know what to say.”) – Y
Embarrassing easily (e.g., blushing, shaking) – Y – I shake a lot
Meeting other peoples’ eyes – Y
Swallowing, writing, talking, making phone calls if in public – I don’t like making phone calls in public, the rest I’m okay with…

When I look at the trigger situations, I realize how obvious it all is. I wouldn’t say I’m terribly affected by it..I can still do these things I might generally avoid if I’m forced to. Without a post like this, it might not be noticeable to the observer…but if you’re aware of this, being around me might suddenly make a whole lot more sense.

I’m not going to try to fight it, it’s not really an issue at the moment. Being with Zena all the time does probably make my situation worse. I often make her do the things I’m uncomfortable doing…waving down a waitress, talking to a comic-con dealer to get a better deal, talking to store-clerks, asking store-clerks for directions, etc. Yes, I have issues with all the above menial things. Frig, the fact that I put my pants on properly 3/5 times during the week is a feat for me.

Damn. I need to get better at this stuff. I can only see the situation getting worse, especially if Zena bails me out all the time. I’ll have to be careful of this…and start to do things I generally would avoid…Damn you self-improvement! Always trying to make me better than I am…you pain in the ass…

Posted in All Posts, Introspection, My Life, OCD | 4 Comments »

Affirmation

Saturday, March 13th, 2010 at 11:10 am

This post…is written mostly for me. It’s personal and written so ambiguously that it’d probably be impossible to figure out. I’ll leave it up to you if you still choose to read it.

The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you – Bob Harris, Lost in Translation

The glass has been full lately. There had been a doubt regarding one of my lifelong goals/dreams that I’ve had lingering in my head for years now. This last week, I’ve finally been able to put it to rest. It had always been in the back of my head, giving me stress. I wasn’t sure if the path I’d taken in life was correct or if I had to change it. It’s taken me years to find an answer but I’m sure that the path I’ve chosen is the right one.

I know what I want. I have what I want. And this doubt isn’t going to bother me anymore.

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Warren’s hair. I name thee Vanity.

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010 at 6:20 pm

I love to look at it. I love to style it. I love when it works the way I want it to. I love how it looks when the wind blows through the front. I love when a bang falls directly through my pupil. I often tilt my head down so this occurs more often. I will not leave the house if it’s in an unacceptable state. When I look at myself, I look at my hair.

There are many things about my appearance that I don’t care about. I don’t care what brand name of clothes I wear. I don’t care what’s in style. I don’t care what everyone else wears. I don’t care about many things about my appearance. But my hair is not one of them.

Yes. I am narcissistic. I am annoying. I am egocentric. I am arrogant. I have a superiority complex. I would hate myself if I weren’t me. Wait, I hate myself anyways. I am many bad things.

but I am honest.

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