Everyone’s scared of something. While I’m not particularly “scared” of this, eating infront of people makes me very uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to the point of if I had to, I would always choose to eat alone. Uncomfortable to the point of possibly psychologically tricking myself into be full earlier than I would be if I ate alone. Uncomfortable to the point of screaming out “DON’T LOOK AT ME!!” in the midst of eating with others. Okay, I made that last one up.
What I believe to be the start of my phobia occurred in grade 11-12. I was out at a dinner with some co-workers (I worked at Kumon, a math tutoring school). I was eating some ice cream and this girl across from me (co-worker) was giggling. I couldn’t figure out why, I WAS eating in a funny way, kind of to make her laugh, but…when I asked why she was laughing, she wouldn’t tell me. Later that night, while thinking about it, I came to my own conclusion that it was the way I held my spoon. While this may not have been the cause of her laughter, I came to a self-realization. I, for about 17~ years, had been holding my spoons and forks like this:
My parents, who aren’t particularly civilized themselves when they eat, never corrected me and for my whole life, that (the image above) had been my natural way of using a utensil and eating. Even now, at the age of 27, I naturally hold utensils that way as it’s more comfortable.
While I do, when I remember, hold a fork like so:
I don’t think I’ll ever forget my embarrassment and the realization of being 17~ years old and not knowing one of the simplest of table manners.
The issue with this realization was that, for my whole life, I had been doing something incorrectly and never corrected. What other obvious manners have I never been aware of? What other social norms do I continue to break? This has led to a whole level of self-consciousness and while I know I’m self-conscious of many things, I’m very aware of this one. I recognize that it’s irrational but I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it.
The lesson is: when you have kids, make sure to teach them everything you can. But don’t pass on your unexplained phobias, disorders, and issues. Let them choose their own path in life, just guide them to being good people. And train them in video games because the heightened reaction time will save their lives when the aliens and robots attack.
