…cuz I always seem to forget, even if I write about it.

I know why I haven’t been blogging. Apart from a lot of working late nights lately, it’s also been hot lately. And when it’s hot, I don’t walk to work…or home. And when I don’t walk home, I don’t think, and don’t blog. As you might have discovered…I walked home today. I thought about a lot of things, including why I haven’t been blogging, despite that I’ve discovered this before, and written about it.

Anyways, I thought about

Closure – I thought about how this guy never got closure to his relationship. How he broke up with a girl, but never really got into the epic breakup fight. Never knew the real reason to “why”. I mean, he could think about it for hours. Days. To infinity and beyond. But he’ll never know the real reason. How annoying. It’s been so long that he couldn’t even ask now. Like, “who cares?”. But if it were me, I would still care. I’d like to know what went wrong so it wouldn’t go wrong again. It would bother the crap out of me, I’m guessing. Or I bet I would feel insecure about my next relationship….as in, if you don’t fix what went wrong the first time, what if it occurs again without you knowing. Not being able to learn from mistakes….it’s quite troublesome.

Traits – I thought about the traits I wish I could change about myself. Arrogance, ego, pride, competitiveness, stubbornness…all of those things are pretty high with me. I know, from being around other people, that those traits can be annoying as hell. So I try not to show these traits too often in the workplace or with my friends…but they’re always there. They instinctively come out sometimes and I need to remember to pull those traits back cuz….well, it’s important to be liked. But if you stripped me of those attributes, I definitely wouldn’t be me anymore. Pride is also a big reason of why I do well at work. Ego occurs BECAUSE I do well at work and arrogance occurs because of ego. But doing well at work is important to me…..though I figure you can be good at work, but also not have a giant ego or be super arrogant….but…yeah, that’s just not me!

School and why I sucked at it – I realized my priorities in life have always been….probably a bit abnormal. In high school, I had a job and I left work early (without telling anyone) to hang out with this girl I liked. I wouldn’t do that now or I would scold someone if they did that now. It’s a really…unprofessional thing to do. But despite being pretty professional now, if I weren’t in a relationship, and like, there was a small window to see a girl I liked, I’d likely bail work and see the girl. Actually, I know I would. Just the same, in school, I would likely…not study as hard if I could hang out with a girl I liked. Like, I dunno, they’re just a higher priority for me than anything else. It’s not an excuse, but likely one (of many) reasons I sucked in university. And possibly why I’m pretty reliable and professional now, because I’ve had a girlfriend for all of my post-uni work. But if I didn’t have a girlfriend, I would 100% be ditching work responsibilities to hang out with a girl I liked.

I’ve spent a lot of time in my life thinking about love and the future. I think it’s always been incredibly important to be with someone that you can spend the rest of your life with. Not sure if this is because I grew up in a home where my parents used to fight. Like, that’s pretty common in families and when they bicker now, it’s not important to me. But when I was younger, watching them verbally fight…it was tough to experience. I never thought it was my fault or anything, but the whole atmosphere was just…toxic. Like, I’m pretty sure at one point, they were pretty close to a divorce. But I think it was important to me that when I grew up, I wouldn’t be unhappy like [one of my parents was] and I wouldn’t be the one making someone unhappy like [my other parent was]. So maybe that’s one of the big reasons of why finding someone you could spend your life with was so important to me.

To be honest, school wasn’t really a big priority in elementary school or high school because well, I was raised well enough that I was good at it with minimal effort. And by minimal effort, I mean that I could study without sacrificing the shows I enjoyed watching. Like, I’m pretty sure I studied more than the guys that got 50%, but because I didn’t find it affecting my social life or personal time, it didn’t bother me. And I didn’t really strive to do really well. I didn’t really think my education was that important, especially when it seemed to be so easy to get well above average. But….that hurt me like hell at the end of high school and in uni. I mean, at the end of highschool, I had one of the lower average amongst my friends (of whom were definitely some of the smartest, most hard-working people in the school). I think my 6 course average for CS (Calc/Alg/Comp?/ +3 others?) was like, 89 but my average for engineering (Calc/Alg/Chem/Physics/Eng + 1) was 87.5 and for engineering, you should be getting low 90s at least. It also didn’t help that my essay blew chunks because I didn’t understand how to be a good writer until recently :S But yeah, my closer friends were all in the low to mid 90s. I should have been in the 90s….but you only get what you put in. And school just wasn’t my priority. It’s not something I really regret now…I’m doing OKAY…maybe. But I’m definitely going to make sure I teach my kid to strive for 110% so that he/she gets 95%. I’m going to make sure my kid doesn’t strive for 90% because he/she will get lower than that. And that’s not good enough.

I also think about how my kids are going to be raised to surpass me in every way in life. Well, raised at what I believe is important. Like games, lol. But I spend a lot of time thinking about how to handle say, a temper tantrum. How to make it so that they have it once, and only once in their entire life….cuz I’ll beat their brains out the first time. Fear baby, fear. No, just joking. But I am thinking about how to make it so they only have a temper tantrum once, ever. I think about teaching them the things they won’t know. Manners for example. Something my parents never taught me. Lessons I’ve learned. “Reliable to succeed, passionate to excel”. Correct them when they make a mistake, not let it slide. But still maintain a good relationship with them. Still not sure what kind of parent I’m gonna be, the fun one or the strict one. I’m pretty sure it’ll be the fun one, but I can see my temper making me the strict one, so it’s hard to say.

Anyways, I think that’s enough writing for now. I started off with why I haven’t been blogging, followed by the things I thought about walking home from work (why I sucked at school), which deviated into girls, love, and relationships, which went back to me sucking at school, and then to how my kids would be raised. My mind is always just….going on and on about stuff. I love it :D I definitely need to keep walking home from work. It’s a great mental exercise and gives me quite a lot of introspection…and also lets me figure out, through logic, things I might not be able to figure out instinctively.

I didn’t really wanna write about this but I figure….I just will. This month could use more blog posts >_< I’m sitting at an all-time low! Single digits low! About a week ago, a small canker sore developed on my tonsil. Yes, it wasn’t the lip like usual, where I can treat it. It was on the tonsil, far down the hatch, unable to do anything but let it develop. Anyways, throughout the last week, it’s gone huge the point of…well, constant pain. It’s like someone mildly pinching you…ALL THE TIME. But when you swallow…swallow water, food, saliva, anything (and we’re talking about once a minute, give or take), it’s like the pinch gets hard and painful for a moment. And, now that it’s worse, I find it’s affecting my inner ear… It sucks ass. Imagine trying to fall asleep and you do a natural swallow of saliva…and the pinch of pain just wakes you up. Also, when you wake up…and this pinch of pain shoots you awake. I’ve been on edge for days…I’ve been generally way more irritable than usual. Top that off with work drama, work stress, staying at work later than usual, Captain America….I’ve been running on low, rough sleep…. Everything just sucks ass…and I believe it’s mostly because of this canker sore. In a week, when it hopefully heals, hopefully I’ll be back to normal. This has honestly been worse than being sick for a week, or having the flu or a week….cuz I’m still going to work, I look fine…but…argh, the pain is just nagging and annoying. I can’t talk, and I’m just generally pissed at everything. Like I said in Twitter, I feel like the Lion with a thorn in his paw. I can see why that lion was so pissed all the time. It f*cking sucks.