It’s 1:45 am and I should be sleeping but I feel like blogging. A tired body but a racing mind likely still result in laying in bed with anxiety. So I’ll perform a little catharsis to ease my mind and relax.

I have a wedding to go to this weekend for/with my Waterloo friends. Haven’t seen many of them in 6 or 7 years now. What will we talk about? Last time I met with some of them, I told them I was a developer, and one of them replied with “you still dev!?”. Apparently I do. But my friends….they don’t really anymore. And haven’t for a while. They’re project managers or some kind of managers. Most of them. I don’t think there are too many people in the trenches anymore at my age. At least, not of my friends. A couple of my high school friends are also managers as of this year. It’s really got me thinking….I might need to make a career decision soon. (this wedding has been the reason why i wrote my last 2 posts – the truth is that i don’t want to tell them i still develop….i want to tell them i’m…being someone important…like a manager or something).

I’ve been playing a bit of WoW this week. One of my co-workers plays and she’s pretty into it. And she got another of my co-workers to sign back on…and then, Z and I signed back on. I’ve been in kinda a rut lately. Contemplating my Secret Project KB. Watching old Simpsons, kinda watching Veronica Mars and the original 1960s Star Trek. Also kinda watching Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice (Z’s been watching it all). Man, they’re such GIRL SHOWS. I mean, I watched Gilmore Girls and that’s a girl show. But didn’t mind it and ended up liking it. But these female doctors shows are like, SO girl. More irrational and odd. “Like, let’s just bottle up all our thoughts and not communicate with [person you like] and then at the end of the episode, burst it all out into one big rant that ends up with the person you’re originally so angry at kissing you.” That’s your the dream scenario, isn’t it!? You crazy b!tches….

</end crazy rant>

Anyways, back to my rut….so basically, one of my old rivals released his new site today. And damn, it’s good. And I’m so envious and jealous at the same time. I’d like to meet him again soon so we can discuss all the cool things he’s done. He said he’d like to pick my brain too. Pick my brain he says? He says that like we’re equals…but he’ll always be a rival out of my reach. Especially if I waste time playing WoW again and stuck in my rut.

I need to get out of it again. I need motivation. I need a rival…or rival(s). I don’t feel I have any anymore and that makes me sad and lost. I think I improve pretty quick but I improve quicker with competition. Cuz I like to win and dominate. Not a good personality trait but I’ll try to focus it in a way that’s useful…

I need to finish my incomplete book (The Design of Everyday Things). I need to finish Veronica Mars and Simpsons and my secret project KB. I always work hard – and then don’t. And I take longer than necessary breaks until I need to work hard again. I don’t like that I’m built that way. Why can’t I always work hard. I want to, I really do. As always, I lack discipline….

One of my co-workers was a game…model…designer. But he couldn’t find a job so he went into web development. One of my other co-workers was is/was a game developer. But he couldn’t find a job so he went into web development. Both of them have great skill in their previous field but due to the difficulty of getting employed, had to work in a field with more demand, less supply. Even though I’m better than them at web, they’re likely both stronger developers than I. It bothers me….I never feel good enough. Or sometimes, I feel too great. Or sometimes I just wanna be great at everything, but fall short of that because well, it’s unrealistic. But I cannot seem to accept that failure. I always want to be great at everything…and I waste time by being great at nothing….and then kick myself for not being great and everything. So I try hard to be great at everything…ah the cycle.

(I know, the solution is to not be great at everything, but great at some things….that’s a very real and achievable goal….but goes again my personality).

Okay, I’m done.

Off to bedz. Thanks for reading :)