Warren Shea - World of Warren

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I feel unsettled. The question is: why?

Friday, September 3rd, 2010 at 1:51 am

Every once in a while, I have days where something doesn’t feel right. I’m unsettled. And I have no idea why…it’s sort of like depression but not quite…

It’s a feeling of…being unsettled, I don’t quite know how to explain it better. I start to question myself:
Is this where I want to be? Is my life on the right track? Why do I feel this way and how can I fix it?

The result is quite a bit of introspection.

So I’m going to write the things I thought about today…in a good day of self-reflection and self-analysis.

Work
I was feeling unsettled at work. Questioning if I’m where I want to be. I looked at the projects I’ve done and the projects that I’m looking forward to doing. The result was pretty disappointing. The projects I’ve liked have been the ones that I’ve started on my own, because I thought things could be better or streamlined. Or because I thought it’d be fun to develop, so I threw a business case around it :) The fun I have at work occurs when I make my own projects. When I look towards the future, are there enough interesting projects to satisfy my professional interest?

There are a lot of PROs of my current job and few CONs (everytime I make PRO CON lists, I think of Rory in Gilmore Girls…I remember her saying “Do not mock my Pro/Con list”…I ask the same of you as well).
PROs:
– I work in a centralized internet web team. What this means is that, from a learning perspective, I’m able to use, understand, and learn from various content management system. Well over 10 in my 3 years with this group. We work on tons of different platforms, sites, languages. I’m worried that if I were to go somewhere else, I might only be exposed to a few systems. What if they aren’t what I like? What if the tools are terrible? A strong reason why I like this job is I’m learning about a lot of things, learning from tons of different directions. Being a jack of all trades, my forte.
– I’m part of an internet team meaning: my stuff is public. And I’ve thought about this a number of times, I would not want to do intranet stuff. I enjoy being able to look/show others what I’ve done if there’s an internet connection available. I like that I can put things in my portfolio or resume that I’m allowed to. If I did intranet stuff, basically ALL my stuff would be locked down. Unable to show anyone or discuss.
– I’m in a team that, while we use outdated CMS systems, also explore new and exciting things around the web. Social media (Facebook, Twitter, Blogging) for example, maybe something with mobile devices, it’s the web…but a different part of the web. It’s brand new and exciting.

Basically, of all the places inside a large corporation that I could be, I’m exactly where I want to be. An important member of the main internet web team.

CONs:
– Working on an internet team means that you can’t use a lot of the technologies/techniques out there. A glaring one is PHP. We will NEVER do anything in PHP because of the lack of support. It’s disappointing as it’s something I would like to learn more about. Granted, I’m able to develop in PHP internally but that means the only time I would use it would be for a personal/internal project. And I do not want to do intranet stuff :P
– I’m starting to get tired of doing work below my skill. Granted, I’ve gotten less and less of that within the last few years but even the mindless jobs that I didn’t use to mind are starting to bother me. I ask myself “why am I doing this? is this what I want to be doing?”…which led to the last piece of written text.

There are more PROs, being close to home, flexible hours, being able to work from home, being one of the most important developers on the team and having the ability to ~~pass off the crappy work I don’t wanna do~~ delegate.

It looks like there may be lots of exciting, interesting work in the future for me so…to answer my questions:
Is this where I want to be?
Right now, the answer is yes.

My website: Themes
It’s pretty obvious that my themes idea has been a failure. It’s not like I haven’t been doing anything with my site. I’ve been blogging somewhat consistently though I haven’t been updating other aspects of my site like I usually do. The various sections, Hobbies and Projects, Gallery, and Language Reference are updated slowly and in some cases, never (poor Language Reference section :( ). It’s been so difficult doing/conceptualizing themes and I finally figured out why.

The difference with my site and http://www.csszengarden.com/ is that my site is ultimately more complicated. The buckets of content change frequently and there’s only 1 level of navigation. I’ve wanted to make 2 levels of navigation but it would be impossible to develop any kind of functional/interesting navigation that’s compatible with multiple CSS files. I would want a jQuery or DHTML or JavaScript navigation…but would that be adaptable by simply changing the CSS? The answer is no. Not only the navigation but the other aspect that would trouble me in the “Choose your theme” menu. Building it with my Blogger theme is easy, they’re just links. But even my Megaman theme, with the buttons, animated gif during mouseover….to create that solely with html and CSS would be impossible. So how did I create it? it’s a function in JavaScript. What’s preventing me from calling functions to create the menus in JavaScript? Nothing…except it’s ridiculously annoying to document.write HTML in a JavaScript file/syntax.

And so, I had an epiphany. But I’m slightly embarrassed as to why I didn’t think of this earlier. I will create the navigation and choose your theme…in PHP during the rendering of the site, and not have it created client side with JavaScript. Why didn’t I do this earlier? It goes against the CSS Zen Garden concept…which is what the themes idea is fundamentally about (that the site can change entirely with a simple change of CSS). But I’ve come to the conclusion that I will have to leave behind the resolve of mine to mimic that style of site if I truly wish to create an interesting, dynamic site with different types of navigations and different site personalities.

I’m going to spend my next major site updates converting the navigation and choose your theme code to be built in PHP and not JavaScript. With the ability to create new, interesting navigations and choose your theme menus, as complicated as I wish, I no longer have to think inside the box regarding the different themes I wanted to do. It will make the concept I have for the Naruto theme, and other themes I have in mind, way better.

My website: Content
I’m planning to restructure my site and its content in the near future. I’m unsatisfied with the navigation and the tabs. I’m limited to the amount of horizontal space on a single line for the navigation. I want to change that.

Home/Blog
About me – Portfolio – Resume
Hobbies & Projects – Galleries
References and Links – Language Reference – Site Reference/Links
Basically…4 buckets? I don’t know, I just made that list up on the fly…I will give it more thought. I definitely see that my site is….organizationally challenged.

I dislike the number of files I have, the number of if statements for editing content. I dislike that this site doesn’t really use a database and that my galleries is created with some PHP and creative client side thinking. It still doesn’t compare, efficiently, to what could be done with XML and AJAX, something I might pursue for my gallery. I need an easier way to update my pages…a CMS maybe but I doubt it’s worth it to build that. There are other projects I’d like to do….

Personal happiness
Going back to feeling unsettled, I always question my own personal happiness. When I was younger, I used to play this “why?” game with myself. I would say a random statement and ask myself “why?” repeatedly and I would ultimately always find my own personal meaning of life. For example:
1.
Warren A: I buy toys.
Warren B: Why?
Warren A: Because I enjoy displaying them, looking at them.
Warren B: Why?
Warren A: Because it reminds me what it’s like to be a child.
Warren B: Why?
Warren A: Because adults generally tend to forget the child within them, it’s something I never want to do.
Warren B: Why?
Warren A: Because it’s a time of innocence, a time of pure-hearted fun. The feeling I get when I’m reminded of a time like that is precious to me.
Warren B: Why?
Warren A: Because it makes me happy. And living a happy life is important to me because why would you want to live life any other way?

2.
Warren A: I work.
Warren B: Why?
Warren A: Because I need money.
Warren B: Why?
Warren A: Because money pays for food, shelter, and fun. Without money life would be difficult.
Warren B: Why (is that important)?
Warren A: Because I don’t want to lead a difficult life. I want one free of monetary stress. Because having more money will ultimately make me happier than not having it. And living a happy life is important to me because why would you want to live life any other way?

…..Okay, I think it sounds better in my head than written out. The idea is that fundamentally, you want to make yourself happy (that doesn’t sound right :/ ). Life is what you make of it and quite possibly THE underlying goal in my life is to be happy in it. And if I have to work hard or sacrifice things to achieve that, so be it. But I do believe you can work hard and still do something fun, something that makes you happy. Which is why I’m a web developer, combining hobby with profession. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Conclusion
Back to the original issue…on a day like today, where I feel unsettled, I ask myself: Why? Why do I feel this way and how can I fix it? And when I look at my life and it’s fundamental goal of being happy, I don’t think there IS anything to fix. I’m in good health (for now). I’m in a stable, long-term relationship. I have a stable job that I enjoy. I have friends, family, pets. I do have any worries. I don’t have anything to complain about really…So why do I feel unsettled?

The truth is that I can’t come up with anything. So maybe nothing’s wrong.

.
.
.

I took a nap when I got home, after feeling unsettled for about 10 hours. And after a 1 hour nap, I felt fine. Looking at the world through refreshed eyes. Honestly, the only reason I can think of as to why I had this unsettling feeling…was a bad night’s sleep.

So that answers the titular question.

/poor climax is disappointing

Posted in All Posts, Development, Introspection, My Life, Site Updates, Work | 1 Comment »

Is there a better way to code this?

Friday, June 4th, 2010 at 11:08 am

(function(){var l=this,g,y=l.jQuery,p=l.$,o=l.jQuery=l.$=function(E,F){return new o.fn.init(E,F)},D=/^[^<]*(<(.|\s)+>)[^>]*$|^#([\w-]+)$/,f=/^.[^:#\[\.,]*$/;o.fn=o.prototype={init:function(E,H){E=E||document;if(E.nodeType){this[0]=E;

I’m just joking That’s just the first part of the jQuery framework :)

I pride myself in great, but not perfect code. I like doing things right, efficiently…the best I can given the situation, deadlines, etc. Obviously the code CAN be better as I’m not a great developer…but I do the best I can so even if there are flaws in code, it’s done to the best of my current abilities and I’m proud of it.

Sometimes though, I get really wrapped up in my current way of thinking…and I forget to take a step back away from my code and ask myself if it’s good enough, adaptable enough, reusable, etc. For example, I developed something a year or so ago. I was very happy with it but it wasn’t adaptable and efficient. Yesterday, I took the same code and cut it down to 20% of what it was originally…which is a lot and kind of shows you how poor the code was before.

Anyways…sometimes you have to take a step back, take a break, look at code after 30 minutes or a good night’s sleep…to really make it great. A weary mind from all-nighter coding just dulls your mind and standards. Too much enthusiasm leads you to impatient and inefficient coding. Like when you code poorly just to get something to work…and then don’t go back to fix it and make it efficient because of deadlines, etc. Sometimes it’s just too much fun to try to solve something, no matter how it’s done. But really, it’s good to go back after you’ve solved the problem…and make the way you did it better.

/urge to blog during work is bad…i was working so well this morning too -_-;

Posted in All Posts, Development, JavaScript / Java Frameworks, Work | No Comments »

I don’t like going outside….

Monday, April 12th, 2010 at 7:45 pm

5 days a week, I brush my teeth, shower, get dressed, do my hair, put in my contacts and I leave for work. The whole process takes at least 30 minutes. Usually it takes much longer, I check my email, check twitter, check the weather, check my blog, do a few minutes of casual surfing…and just chill for a bit.

I go outside…because I have to go outside, to go to work.

On my weekends, I rarely want to go out. Almost never. The weekend is MY time. And by personal choice, I don’t like to leave my condo.

There are only a few reasons that will make me go out:
1) My high school friends are getting together for whatever.
2) I haven’t gone out with Zena so many nights/weekends that I start to feel guilty about it, then go out with her. This temporarily solves my problems and guilt….

Yes. Those are only reasons I would go out by choice. If I ever have to run errands, I do so after work. Grocery shopping? After work. If I have to go somewhere after work by driving, I go straight to the car. As soon as I set foot in my condo, I don’t want to leave. There are so many times when I go home and plan to go back out…but I don’t. Once I’m at home, I don’t want to leave.

I had some vacation days recently and I didn’t leave my condo for over 72 hours. And I was fine with that.

I get ready for work 5 days of the week. For me, it’s like going out. I do everything the same. It’s such a pain in the ass…hair takes me the most amount of time, 5-10 minutes…10-15 if it doesn’t come out right. It’s such a pain to do it that I hate doing it when I don’t have to. But…I won’t go out if it’s not done…my hair is at a length that if I don’t do it, it’s not presentable enough (again, I’m pretty vain when it comes to my hair). What’s the point of getting ready to go out…only to come back an hour or 2 later….BAH. And I know the answer… “uhhh…to go out?! to do something” but….for me, there’s nothing out there that interests me. I don’t like seeing this or going to that. Just like traveling, I just don’t care.

I like to spend my time playing my games, developing, or watching my shows. I like being entertained with a good story, something the emotionally touches me or something that makes me think. The only thing that’s out there that I want to be a part of is hanging out with my high school friends. When we get together, I laugh like I’ve never laughed before. Everybody’s got their circle of friends and I love mine. The nights when I have the most fun I’ve ever had are with my high school friends.

I know that not wanting to leave my home is odd, antisocial, etc. It’s not that I can’t do it, it’s that I don’t like to. Work time is work time, I get paid for it, I better be there. But the weekend is my time and I’ll use it how I want to use it, fuck everything and everyone else. I do whatever the hell I want to do…and when I’m not doing the things I want to spend my time with, I’m not happy.

It’s the same reason why I hate going out to dinners/get togethers with family. It’s invading my personal time…I see people that I’m not particularly close with by choice. We make small talk and it’s an okay time. But I wouldn’t call it fun, there’s nothing that I really enjoy or want from the gatherings. I don’t go out of my way to see my family…unless my nephew and niece are there because I want to see/play with them. I’ve always been pretty independent. I don’t initiate a call or email my family ever. I don’t initiate an MSN conversation with anyone except Zena. I can be by myself for days and days and be okay with it. I enjoy it.

I never thought about this until just now, as I write this, but a lot of this might be attributed to social anxiety disorder….

Ahhhh…seriously, I’m not socially stunted or a social retard. I’m fine at work, I’m fine with strangers…I’m friendly and people are generally and easily comfortable around me (as I’ve been told a number of times). My aura is generally friendly, laid back…

I dunno, this post is kinda all over the place…jumping around. Just rambling off the top of my head…..

I’m at the point in my life where I don’t care about meeting new people or staying in contact with people. I’ve got my high school friends and they’ll be around forever (given that it’s been 10 years since high school and the core of us are still pretty tight). I’ve got Zena and she’ll be around as long as I live (because I’m gonna die before her…fo sho). I’m socially content with what I have now. And for me, going outside is all about the people out there, not the sights and sounds. There’s nothing outside that interests me other than the people and no people that I want to meet. I’m content being at home. Having my current friends. My girlfriend. I’m content with life. I don’t want anything else and I’m not looking for anything else.

Posted in All Posts, Family, Friends, Introspection, Work | No Comments »

Motivation VS Happiness + Lifelong goals

Friday, March 26th, 2010 at 9:46 pm

I’ve had a number of realizations today.

I am only motivated in life when I’m unhappy or there’s something to strive/work for. And I’m not talking about general learning here and there, I’m talking about being motivated enough to sacrifice something fun to do something productive.

6 Years ago, this was the status of my life long goals:
1. Finding a profession/career that I enjoy over one I don’t – TO DO
2. Finding a girlfriend/wife who understands me and accepts me for who I am – TO DO
3. Being financially well off enough that I can do what I want, when I want – TO DO

6 Years ago, I was in school. I hadn’t been going out with Zena yet. I hadn’t started playing World of Warcraft.

6 Years ago, I was
1. More social with friends, going out, etc.
2. Ambitious – I was eager to learn
3. Thinner and more healthy. Well, I was still unhealthy but my metabolism was better so I wasn’t the fatty I am today.

Now, within 2 years of this older Warren (so within 6-4 years ago)…I started playing Warcraft. Suddenly I was slightly less social. My learning/productive time was also divided due to Warcraft. Then, I started going out with Zena. At this point, I did a disappearing act on my friends…I tried my best to NOT do the disappearing act, since I had been single my whole life and didn’t want to abandon my boyz (or as we used to call it “The Single Man’s Club”….@ least we laughed @ ourselves…) Anyways, I tried not to disappear but Zena was the person whom I’d started spending most of my time with. It took a while but Zena combined with Warcraft resulted in a new, anti-social Warren. Also, as a result of Zena, I literally let myself go (Note: I’m not blaming her btw, it’s just what happened…I don’t have anyone to blame but myself). We had been going out to eat frequently. Too frequently…and…well, honestly, being physically attractive became less important for me. Also, around this time, I also got a full time job. At this point, I was still eager to learn, eager to start my life in the work place. I was a rising star…I didn’t get Outstanding 3/6 times for nothing, I really did an awesome job….

This was 4 years ago. I had achieved all my lifelong goals and dreams. 4 Years ago. And with that, came happiness. And with happiness came a content life. And with that, came laziness. 2 weeks ago, I thought it was great that I had achieved all my life long goals. Clint praised me and I thought to myself “Yeah, I’m doing great for being so young! I’m legend-waitforit-dary). But I realize now that achieving your goals is a curse, not a blessing…

And the reason is….recently, 2 of my lifelong dreams/goals have been put into question:
1. Finding a profession/career that I enjoy over one I don’t
3. Being financially well off enough that I can do what I want, when I want
(I know some of you -Jeff/Anson- laughed when I called Zena a paperweight but she’s like, the most stable thing in my life…it fits…unfortunately for her :P)

So yeah…with 2 goals in question, I realize how…unhappy I am right now. And with that, how motivated I am to get my life back on track to fulfill these goals…

A bit of a side note…but ultimately related to the topic of goals…
Regarding being physically unfit…because of my way of thinking, that “if I were to die at any time, I’d be content with my life”…I live my life doing what I want, when I want. And eating what I want, when I want. I figure people generally stay physically fit to a) attract the opposite sex and b) live a long life. Since neither of these were goals for me, that didn’t matter. But…I’ve decided that if I’m going to improve myself, I’m going to need to set more goals for myself. Real goals, not that TO DO sh!t on the right –>. I don’t care so much about attracting the opposite sex. But…do I want to live a long life? I originally thought that it didn’t matter. But after talking with Zena, I realized…I do want to see something. I want to see my grandchildren. I unconditionally love my nephew and niece so much right now and I love the happiness they bring to my parents lives, as well as my own. I love children, I love to look at them, play with them. They’re so pure, so innocent, so happy. They’re wide-eyed, curious about everything. They don’t have any stress, they eat and sleep all day. Just like Dwarf Hamsters. And I’m very jealous. Now, I know (well, I’m fairly certain) I’ll live to see my kids and watch them grow up. But I’d really like to see my grandchildren…I’m not sure if “Live long enough to play with grandchildren” should be a life long goal, but I’ll make it an unofficial one…and try to work that goal into my everyday life.

I want to get back to Warren from 6 years ago. The social Warren, the ambitious Warren. Now that I’ve dropped Warcraft again, I’m getting a bit of both back already. Now that I’m unhappy with some aspects of my life, I’m motivated to improve myself.

The summary is that being content with life is a curse. When you have all your goals, you get lazy, sloppy, careless. And any of them can be taken away at any time. And if they are, your lazy, sloppy, careless attitude will put you so behind that when you try to regain your goals, it’s going to be extra hard. So the key is to always stay on your toes…working extra hard leads to burnout. Being far behind means you have to catch up. But if your life has balance….with a little extra hard work, you’ll be okay.

Now, I’m going to catch up. And when I do, I’ll try to never fall behind again.

Posted in All Posts, Friends, Introspection, My Life, Work | No Comments »

Welcome to Earth Prime

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010 at 11:35 pm

POSSIBLE JUSTICE LEAGUE: CRISIS ON TWO EARTHS SPOILER. Not really part of the plot, more the philosophy behind the premise?

“With the coming of man came the illusion of free will and with that illusion came chaos. With every choice we make we literally create a world. History branches in 2 creating 1 Earth where we made the choice and a second one where we didn’t. That’s the secret to the universe you know. Billions of people making billions of choices creating infinite Earths.” – Owlman, Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths

When I listened to this, all I could think about was the conference tool we’re building.

Will you attend this event? – Yes? No?
Would you like to stay in a Hotel? – Yes? No?
Do you require a smoking room? – Yes? No?

ABSOLUTE CHAOS. AND WE HAVE TO BUILD IT. WE ARE THE ARCHITECTS OF CHAOS. WE ARE GODS. in our own little way.

Sorry, you’re probably disappointed in this post :S
*I* found it interesting but I guess you had to be here, in my head :/

Tags: Justice League
Posted in All Posts, Development, TV Shows & Movies, Work | No Comments »