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Warren Shea

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♪ ♫ What can you do when your good isn’t good enough ♬ ♪

Tuesday, January 17th, 2012 at 12:28 pm

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I’ve been listening to this song lately…it’s a…sad song I guess. When I rewatched Glee, listening to this song was really emotional.

“What can you do when your good isn’t good enough? When all that you touch tumbles down?”

These lyrics starting to pop into my head whenever I see someone failing at something.

I’m looking at my peers.

One of them put 100% into a relationship and it still failed.
One of them tries to work really hard but still struggles at their job.
One of them tries to work really hard but doesn’t get recognized for their work.

I’m just listening to this song as those lyrics (the entire song almost) apply themselves everywhere.

When I listen to this song, I think: desperation

Trying impossibly to do, to get or fix something. But maybe you can’t. Not this time.

I’ve dealt with my own share of personal desperate failures in the last few years. Times where I feel desperation…because what I’m doing just isn’t good enough to get what I want or fix situations.

It’s a horrible feeling to have…this desperation. And when I look around me at those who have had or have this feeling, I wonder:
How could they not see it coming?
How could they not prepare for it?

But…I’m guilty of the exact same thing. Sometimes…these situations just happen.

I’ve been thinking hard about myself and that I always need to be prepared.
Prepared to lose things. My girlfriend. My job. My possessions. My family.

Ugh. Even writing that is almost like…admitting that I can lose something. I mean, on one hand I want to be prepared for failure. But on another hand, I should strive for success and failure should never even be an option. I shouldn’t even consider preparing because I *know* I’m not going to fail. But that’s not it…it’s that as much as I try not to fail, sometimes it just happens. That’s the point I guess.

(Knowing you’ll never fail is a confidence and arrogance in yourself that defies logic. A younger me was very guilty of that. Even now, I’m somewhat guilty of it…but I’m more vulnerable now than when I was younger. I have much more to lose.)

So I need to always be on my toes. And make sure I never fall into a situation where this desperation applies to me.
If I lose my job: what do I do? I need to constantly keep my skills up so that I can get another job ASAP. I can’t ever fall behind so much that I don’t have the skill to do something.
If I lose my possessions: what do I do? I need to remember that money and material things aren’t what make my life. And that my family is there to support me.
If I lose my girlfriend: what do I do? I die a horrible death alone. I think this is the one I’m probably least prepared for…

Anyways, this song and the lyrics have been floating around my head lately…seemingly popping up everywhere and applying to everything. I just wanted to…remind everyone that sometimes you fail, despite your best efforts. And that everyone needs to not only be prepared for it, but to accept this reality and be prepared to move past it. To accept that sometimes you fail. To accept that you have to try again.

Useless people

Sunday, December 4th, 2011 at 4:33 am

I’m starting to use the term “Useless people” more often as one of my new friends, of whom I’ve been frequently having deep talks with, often cries out “I HATE USELESS PEOPLE”.

I think her definition of a useless person is different than mine though. She claims that a useless person is a dependent person. Unable to think or make decisions on his/her own, unable to live life without a boyfriend/girlfriend. Basically, someone that can’t take care of him/herself.

I believe my definition of “Useless people” are those who do not contribute anything to society. Or, in an even more personal way: those who do not contribute anything to me. And by that, I mean those who could have no way of benefiting me in any way.

That’s not meant to sound selfish. To go with my last post, I think that you need to cut people off that are detrimental to you. As far as a useless person is concerned, they’re just….more of an existence that doesn’t affect you. They are people who’s existence doesn’t seem to matter in any universal sense. That’s not to say that this is true, but I mean…it’s true as far as you’re concerned.

I’d shudder to believe that there’s a single person on this planet that doesn’t have some type of significance to other people in the world. That there’s a single person without a friend, or someone of who they can talk to and even be relied on. No, I don’t believe a normal person like that exists. But they’re just useless….TO YOU. And that’s fine. I’m fairly certain I’m quite useless to some people around me….(probably though, because I’m such a jerk that I’d knowingly be useless to them :D). But honestly speaking, if I were to cease my existence, there are some people that know me, may even be my friend (on Facebook), but my passing would not have any significance to them. And that’s okay. Realistic even.

Anyways…there’s no point to this. I just wanted to talk about the term as I used it in my last post, and I’ve been thinking about it lately.

On a side note/rant: when I was younger, I was stuck in the car with my brother, driving from Ottawa to Toronto. I was in high school and had obviously done something to displease him, though the reason escapes me. Anyways, he spent much of the drive angrily calling my “useless”. “You’re useless” he would yell, and then discuss why it was true. It was one of the longest rides of my life, I remember both my anger, helplessness, sadly my feeling of defeat for believing he was actually right (I was younger at the time, my self worth wasn’t what it is now), and my frustration for not saying anything back, just holding it in and taking the verbal abuse. It’s one of my worst memories of my entire life and one, if not the, reason I still no longer maintain a good relationship with my brother. Though he’s likely forgotten, I’m not one to forgive and forget so easily. It’s one of the main reasons that I declined being his best man for his wedding (yes, i know….who does that? it’s so mean/sad…). But at the time, I could not and would not see myself giving a speech, saying good things about him on his wedding day to his friends and family. No, I couldn’t lie to everyone. It’s not a decision I regret as, like I said, I still cannot forgive this moment. There’s was actually a recent time in which he also yelled at me, in my own condo no less. Some things never change it seems…

Hah, going back to “Cutting him off”, yes. I did that as much as a brother could. No, I don’t hate him. I don’t wish him harm or anything, but he’s not someone I would choose to have in my life. If we weren’t related, he wouldn’t be my friend. I tolerate his presence, even more so because of his two kids (my niece and nephew) but I don’t enjoy it. I cannot/will not spend time alone with him. And he’s no longer welcome in my condo alone, despite not knowing this and often wanting to ‘crash’ (which leads to me lying and saying he can’t, or we’re out of town or something).

Anyways, sorry to get intense, personal, and emotional. The term “useless” has always been a word that brings back bad memories and feeling. I don’t think there’s any word out there that makes me recall such anger as that word. Fortunately, I don’t hear it too often. Except my friend, who seems to use it often, but in a somewhat comical tone…

Anyways, two blog posts. I was alone with my thoughts for a good 11 hours today. I walked around for at least 2 or 3 hours. And I drove around for about 2 hours. Lots of time to reflect on the past, the people around me, the mistakes I’ve made, the potential futures I may have, the people I wish were still in my life.

I even looked up at the stars for a good 5 minutes, thinking about the light I was seeing and how it was finally reaching me after so long. As in, I probably wasn’t alive when the light was created. Actually, my knowledge of speed of light and light years (which is a distance, not a time) is limited at best so I’m not sure if that statement is true. But I was thinking just how…insignificant all my problems were in the grand scheme of the universe. But then, in contrast, how important all my problems were in the grand scheme of my life. I guess it’s all relative. (That’s my double entendre pun, as I discuss the relativity between the universe and my life…in the same paragraph that I discuss the speed of light). I didn’t say it was a good pun. It’s not even ‘ha ha’ funny >_<

To: World of

Tuesday, September 27th, 2011 at 11:10 pm

I’m sorry for the lack of updates.

But if I die from Flu Part II (apparently), you won’t get any updates.

I’m tired. Tired of work. Tired of stress. Tired of life.
I over-committed….and got sick. And it’s all falling apart.

I’m behind, despite working every moment I can when I’m awake.
I can’t go to the office because I have a crazy hacking cough. AGAIN.

I’m just tired of it all. I’ll tell you, it feels very unsatisfying to push yourself to the limit for nothing.

I’m at a critical moment in my life….do I wanna tackle the problems or avoid them all? If I weren’t sick…I think I’d be tackling them. Working AT work. Burning out….moreso.
But I’m just tired of it all. Tired of my projects…

Off to bed…hopefully I feel better tomorrow.

Meganekko (Girls with Glasses)

Tuesday, April 26th, 2011 at 3:14 am

There was a post a couple days ago on Kotaku: What’s Japan Fetishizing This Week – Glasses

While I found much of the article to be a bore, I found one of the last paragraphs to be particularly interesting.

In Japan, Akiman points out, it’s thought that the reason people wear glasses is because they read too much or play too many video games or watch too much TV. According to Akiman, “The moment that someone puts on glasses, even if it’s Superman, they take on the appearance of being an introvert like me.” The reason why girls who wear glasses are appealing is that they thus appear to be introverts, and it’s easy for fellow introverts to relate to them. As Akiman says, girls with glasses become “one of us”. Thus, the glasses themselves become an object of fetish. “Japanese people are basically introverted,” says Akiman, “and I think that’s why this fetish has grown.”

I’m going to reference this monologue later as well, so I’ll post it here. It’s from the Seinfeld episode, “The Sponge”:

“I have a friend, wears eyeglasses, no prescription in the glasses because he thinks it makes him look more intelligent. Now why? Why do we think that glasses makes us look more intelligent? Is it from the endless hours of reading and studying and researching that this person supposedly blew out their eyeballs, and that’s why they need the glasses? It’s just a corrective device. If you see someone with a hearing aid, you don’t think, ‘Oh, they must have been listening real good…yeah, to a lot of important stuff…’ No, they are deaf. They can’t hear.”

Now, I can honestly say from much experience that I’m the type of person that likes a pair of stylish glasses on an attractive girl moreso than that same girl without the glasses. But it definitely has to be the right kind of glasses. I’m not talking nerd glasses that they have to wear. I’m talking about a girl, trying on various frames to find the right look for her. To find the one that screams “her”. The frames that visually define her personality. Now, I figure most women (and men) do this. Those that don’t do this don’t care about their appearance. And if they don’t care, why should I (or anyone?).

Anyways, what really caught my attention in the blockquote above was “introvert”. Being an introvert myself, I find I’m highly attracted to introvert girls. I’m intrigued by introvert men as well (well, not in that way). The reason is…there’s a connection there. Extroverts frankly…don’t interest me so much. I find they’re generally…free in ways that I’m not, they talk without thinking and do without thinking. And I don’t generally respect that. I’m a person that respects the mind and intelligence more than almost any other attribute. That’s not to say I only value that, but it’s always been very high on my respect list. A person will have my respect if they’re intelligent. It’s as simple as that. I will be nice, I will be patient, I will treat a person like a human being if they’re reasonably intelligent. And I won’t if they’re not. Yes, it’s horrible, but it’s true. That’s just how I am.

Damn, I always get sidetracked with tangent rants. Back to the topic: I like glasses on a female because I immediately think 2 things
1. They’re intelligent.
2. They’re introverts.

2 wins. 2 things that I’m just drawn to. But really, what’s the basis for the first point. Like the Seinfeld monologue (quoted above), is there a correlation between glasses an intelligence? Sometimes?….but that might just be coincidence. There’s also genetics involved, plus a number of other things I would list to sound like I know what I’m talking about but at 3AM, am too lazy to research tonight.

Now, I wore my prescriptionless glasses to work today. I did it on purpose, partially because of this post and the kotaku post and partially because…well, I like the way I look in them. It’s funny but one of the first things that someone said to me (who hadn’t seen me wear my prescriptionless glasses before) was that “I look smarter”. Despite possibly no correlation between glasses and intelligence, you can’t deny the fact that people associate the two together.

I didn’t really think about all this glasses stuff until the Kotaku article peaked my interest. This hasn’t been the first time I’ve worn my prescriptionless glasses for no apparent reason. I won’t even wear my prescription glasses in public because the lenses are so thick…I’m simply too vain for that. So I wear these glasses for 3 reasons.
1. I believe I look more intelligent and people believe I look more intelligent. A trait that’s important to me.
2. I believe I look good in them.
The newly discovered #3 is:
3. I want to look introverted and attract other introverts.

I mean…if I’m attracted to people with glasses (meaning I believe they’re introverts), then by wearing glasses, it’s possible that I’ll attract other introverts…? Well, I don’t quite know how that theory plays out in a girl head though. Are introverted women attracted to introverted or extroverted men? The mind of a woman is something I’ll never understand. Y’know, because b!tches be trippin’

I’ve said it before (in my Scott Pilgrim post for example) but I’m basically attracted to a female version of myself. But I definitely believe that a person like myself would not be the best person FOR me. Because there are so many aspects about myself that I hate, the insecurity, the antisocial behaviour, the arrogance, the narcissism…dealing with someone with similar traits, on a daily and frequent basis would get super annoying. Being arrogant and talking to an arrogant person is one of the most frustrating and annoying things ever. And two narcissistic people in a relationship just…wouldn’t work. I’m a taker, not a giver…so I need a giver to balance the relationship out. “You don’t always get what you want but sometimes you get what you need”. I don’t even know if that quote applies to my paragraph, I’m so insanely tired….but I’ve been rewatching all the House episodes (currently near the end of Season 3) and that just popped into my head.

Damn, another tangent rant. Anyways, I’m basically that girl I described above, the one who cares about how they look and is trying to identify the right image to define me. I’m the guy with <insert descriptive word> hair. I wear untucked dress shirts and sneakers. I don’t care about my clothes but I care about my image. And I wear non-prescription glasses to compliment my image and convey the exact same things that I find attractive: Intelligence and an Introverted personality. Granted, I don’t wear these glasses as often as I could…partially because it doesn’t make logical sense to wear them and partially because, for some reason, I always feel like I have an oily forehead when I wear glasses :S It’s weird. Probably psychological. But true. Don’t ask me.

And this all brings me to this image, which is featured on my About Me page

I posted this image a while ago, when I got my prescriptionless glasses I think. Before I thought about the glasses thing and introvert thing. Before I thought about WHY I like wearing glasses.

Why didn’t I post an image without glasses, the look I have 95% of the time I go out?

No, I posted the image that conveyed the things I like and respect. I posted the image that I felt defined me best.

Personality Disorders

Monday, April 25th, 2011 at 12:56 am

Clearing out my emails. Usually I hover around the 70s….but I recently organized them to the 30s and now I’m at 5. 3 To Dos and 2 current conversations…

Anyways, I’ve been pondering what to do with this email of a personality disorder questionnaire that I took in Aug 09. I found the information quite interesting and accurate. It’s funny that as complicated as I’d like to think I am, as different from everyone as I am, as I have my little quirks and issues…it’s really all just….textbook. Maybe I’m reading too into it, like I tend to do with horoscopes…

How….disappointing. Anyways, I saved this in my email but I don’t really want to keep it there….so I thought, since it’s relevant to me, that I’d just post it here:

Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships with others. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant to others. They usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges.

People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. They genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived as humorless and distant and often are termed “loners.”

Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.

Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. They often remain in abusive relationships. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed.

Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything “right” often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.