I was cleaning some of my old drafts that were never published.
I cringe to read what some of them say and how some of them were written.

“Was I ever that young, emotional, and stupid?” I ask, despite the posts having been written within the last year or two.

Many of them were rants that I thankfully didn’t post. But it does make me feel like I would cringe reading some of the posts I’ve actually published on here.

I don’t really believe I’m too different a person from a year or two ago. And perhaps I still react the same way given certain emotional stimuli…but I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t feel like that person that wrote all that stuff. That took all of life’s trivialities and ranted about them. That took daily life and made it bigger than it was. More dramatic.

Yes, there’s definitely drama in my life. I have external drama that keeps me occupied generally…so I haven’t had the need to look within myself and question or argue with myself. Which has caused me to write a lot less.

I’m all drama’d out….right now….and the drama I have, I can’t write about.

I sort of miss it. The passion to write something meaningful or introspective. I’ve had things I wanted to write about lately but they always just…get forgotten. I have little notes on the things I want to write about…but it never really seems worth it. I’ve been walking to work a lot lately…but I’m not really thinking of anything that’s mind blowing. I haven’t figured out anything new…there’s no internal conflict. Am I burnt out? Or have I figured out enough things about myself that it’s really…well, not all that fun anymore.

I know who I am…how I react to things…what bothers me, what doesn’t, and why. I feel like I’ve figured out most of the whys in my life, especially regarding myself…which is really quite upsetting as I live for the whys, the understanding.

I’m happy. I’m out of conflict, drama, and figuring stuff out.
And this life makes me really unhappy.

…that’s so retarded.

What I wrote in my last post, written in my half awake delirium, was incorrect. Despite that I’d been thinking about it for a while.

It’s not “Why?” that I always ask. I had this argument with someone recently. She asked “In what way is knowing ‘why?’ important?”. If someone is socially awkward, does it matter why? Were they unpopular in high school? Do they lack self confidence because they’re awkward? Ugly? Did they have no friends? Were their parents abusive? Were their parents strict? Were the bullied? Were they a bully?

DOES IT MATTER?

And I argued that the answer was yes. But it’s not that it matters…does it? Does it matter what happened in the past? I guess she argued that was really matters is what someone might intend to do about it. She was more oriented towards the future, towards improvement. A great mentality that I hope to be part of mine. But my focus is in the past, and understanding “why”.

So I think that what really intrigues me isn’t asking why, but understanding.

They seem to go hand in hand…asking “Why?” and the understanding behind it.

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I recently had a bit of an argument with my gf over something like this. I couldn’t figure out why I get sad and emotional when I watch shows and movies, but she doesn’t. They don’t affect her. I can list a number of people that are similar to me in that, they’ll get emotionally moved watching or reading something. But she’s not one of them…and I can count a number of people that are similar to that too. I guess we’re just different.

But what really bothers me is that I don’t understand it. How can it not affect you emotionally? And she said….that while a show makes her sad, she reads about much sadder things in the news. After all, I get sad about fictional characters. Sure, imo, they’re made to be real….somewhat…and while I know these characters are just that – characters, who they are can be just as real to me as anyone else. Hell, I know characters in shows better than some people in real life. How they would respond to things, etc. I know a writer friend of mine who would agree with me. Her characters are so close to her that they might as well be real.

But I understand that….when you deal with real life, that makes things much more…well, real. Because it is. Ugh, hard to explain. As I’ve said many times, I live a sheltered life. My parents love me, I’m financially okay and I have friends and a support system. I have a good job, and well…there’s not much for me to complain about. My problems are all stupid…which is why I always like a little drama in my life. Whether it be what I watch or what I make myself. But my touch with reality is distant. I don’t read the news, don’t know politics or religion or travelling. I’ve never lost anyone really close to me…ever. So if my gf has dealt with much more pain and difficulty in her life (and I honestly don’t know if she has), all the unrealistic drama seems…well, irrelevant.

But I noticed today, as we watched a “scary” episode of One Tree Hill, that she’s way more intense when “scary” stuff happens. And I’m not. So I place myself in her shoes, with my mentality: “How is it that Warren isn’t affected by this scaryness?” and the answer is simply: I’ve experienced way more intense, scary stuff that this stuff seems like nothing. Not IRL mind you lol but like, in shows…I tell you, Walking Dead (zombies) are far scarier than teenage psycho killers.

So until otherwise, that is my answer to “Why I get sad and emotional when I watch shows and movies, but she doesn’t”. It’s that I haven’t really experienced things sadder and I don’t trivialize fictional situations. Just the same, Z hasn’t experienced scary things and I have so those things on her level of scary doesn’t meet mine.

Seriously though, I will hate the day when I’m old and hardened enough that I can’t get sad watching something because it seems trivial compared to my own loss. I love that a good, emotional moment can affect me.

It sucked that we had an argument about it…but I think that after failing to understand (and thus, being frustrated), giving time to think and understand the situation has really helped me understand it, and myself. And when I understand, I am content. Yes, I know I wrote “understand” so many times in that last sentence…but I’m just giving an example of understanding in my daily life and how I dislike and get mad at things I don’t understand.

I’m ruled by Understanding things. I hate things I don’t understand and my contemplation and introspection is all based around the fundamental basis of understanding.

Seriously, I’m glad I figured this all out. I feel like I understand myself a little better :)