Seriously, in 3 years, when Youtube and Motivated Photos is combined, remember you saw the idea here first!
I realized that today might be the third last time I set foot on University of Waterloo campus. The second last being the time I help Zena move out and the last being Zena’s convocation, if she so chooses to attend.
UWaterloo. For me, it might possibly have been 5 of the worst years of my life. Well, it started out good…school was good, friends were good….but after 2 or 3 terms, it just went to hell.
If Waterloo were a test, a test on independence, a test on studiousness, a test on the ability to prioritize, a test on intelligence, and a test on determination, I’ll have considered it a failure.
They tell you that highschool does not prepare you for university. They are correct. Highschool was dirt easy in comparison, I could get 85-95 with minimal effort. And better if I tried…which I rarely did. The only thing I learned from highschool was how to be cocky. How to be arrogant. How to underestimate everything and everyone (or maybe, how to overestimate myself). In highschool, one of my quotes was “The only thing I don’t know how to do, is fail”. How arrogant of me. But university is not highschool. Oh, how those lessons I’d learned backfired on me in Waterloo.
If Waterloo were a test and 50% were a pass, I’d have gotten 50%. Not 50.1%, 50%. I graduated, yes. But I literally might not have graduated if my marks were slightly lower. It was personally shameful. Given my past, my potential…I should have been above average. I’d never not been above average. A couple years in and I started to feel defeated. I’d never known this type of defeat, I didn’t handle it well. Like a downward spiral, I just fell, lower and lower. School didn’t really matter to me anymore. I just wanted everything to end.
Eventually, it did. I’ll confess something here, my post:
A recurring nightmare is basically a dream of not graduating. I was not kidding about that 50% thing above, the difference was as small as a needle point. It was stressful as hell, and clearly it was traumatically stressful. And while I did graduate, I personally let myself down.
The most difficult thing to live with after these 5 years was my shattered confidence. I think one of the reasons I’ve got two minds about everything is that I have one side telling me what I should do, and the other insecure side, giving me doubts on why I can’t do something. Like the spirit of Warren from ages 1-20 is fighting with the spirit Warren of 21-27 (and by spirit, I don’t mean an ethereal manifestation, I mean a mood of determination and will). I’m well aware of this confidence problem, it might be the reason why my social anxiety disorder symptoms are so much stronger now than they were 5 years ago. I’m very hard on myself, despite generally doing above average on everything I do (I think). The insecure Warren feels like it’s never enough. I hate getting praise because I don’t know how to respond to it….but…I need it. I crave it. I need people to blow smoke up my ass because even if it’s insincere (or sincere), it feels good. Like it helps redeem me. I have a self-deprecating attitude and I use self-deprecating humor. And consciously so, so that people blow smoke up my ass. It’s not a good quality to have…but pobody’s nerfect.
Waterloo fucked me up big time. With Zena graduating soon, my trips there should be less frequent, if ever. I’ll be happy to never visit that god awful place again. I need to put that place behind me…
I’ve transferred all my assets, any items worth any value, all my gold (20k) to Zena. I used all my badges to purchase epic gems and sent them off to guildies. I relinquished guild leadership and gave it to Crimxona. I’ve canceled my subscription. I’ve deleted the files from my computer.
The transition was slow, I unofficially quit 3 months ago but still logged in once a week for 2 more months…this last month, I didn’t log in at all. And today…will be the last time I log in.
I’ve had a number of realizations today.
I am only motivated in life when I’m unhappy or there’s something to strive/work for. And I’m not talking about general learning here and there, I’m talking about being motivated enough to sacrifice something fun to do something productive.
6 Years ago, this was the status of my life long goals:
1. Finding a profession/career that I enjoy over one I don’t – TO DO
2. Finding a girlfriend/wife who understands me and accepts me for who I am – TO DO
3. Being financially well off enough that I can do what I want, when I want – TO DO
6 Years ago, I was in school. I hadn’t been going out with Zena yet. I hadn’t started playing World of Warcraft.
6 Years ago, I was
1. More social with friends, going out, etc.
2. Ambitious – I was eager to learn
3. Thinner and more healthy. Well, I was still unhealthy but my metabolism was better so I wasn’t the fatty I am today.
Now, within 2 years of this older Warren (so within 6-4 years ago)…I started playing Warcraft. Suddenly I was slightly less social. My learning/productive time was also divided due to Warcraft. Then, I started going out with Zena. At this point, I did a disappearing act on my friends…I tried my best to NOT do the disappearing act, since I had been single my whole life and didn’t want to abandon my boyz (or as we used to call it “The Single Man’s Club”….@ least we laughed @ ourselves…) Anyways, I tried not to disappear but Zena was the person whom I’d started spending most of my time with. It took a while but Zena combined with Warcraft resulted in a new, anti-social Warren. Also, as a result of Zena, I literally let myself go (Note: I’m not blaming her btw, it’s just what happened…I don’t have anyone to blame but myself). We had been going out to eat frequently. Too frequently…and…well, honestly, being physically attractive became less important for me. Also, around this time, I also got a full time job. At this point, I was still eager to learn, eager to start my life in the work place. I was a rising star…I didn’t get Outstanding 3/6 times for nothing, I really did an awesome job….
This was 4 years ago. I had achieved all my lifelong goals and dreams. 4 Years ago. And with that, came happiness. And with happiness came a content life. And with that, came laziness. 2 weeks ago, I thought it was great that I had achieved all my life long goals. Clint praised me and I thought to myself “Yeah, I’m doing great for being so young! I’m legend-waitforit-dary). But I realize now that achieving your goals is a curse, not a blessing…
And the reason is….recently, 2 of my lifelong dreams/goals have been put into question:
1. Finding a profession/career that I enjoy over one I don’t
3. Being financially well off enough that I can do what I want, when I want
(I know some of you -Jeff/Anson- laughed when I called Zena a paperweight but she’s like, the most stable thing in my life…it fits…unfortunately for her :P)
So yeah…with 2 goals in question, I realize how…unhappy I am right now. And with that, how motivated I am to get my life back on track to fulfill these goals…
A bit of a side note…but ultimately related to the topic of goals…
Regarding being physically unfit…because of my way of thinking, that “if I were to die at any time, I’d be content with my life”…I live my life doing what I want, when I want. And eating what I want, when I want. I figure people generally stay physically fit to a) attract the opposite sex and b) live a long life. Since neither of these were goals for me, that didn’t matter. But…I’ve decided that if I’m going to improve myself, I’m going to need to set more goals for myself. Real goals, not that TO DO sh!t on the right –>. I don’t care so much about attracting the opposite sex. But…do I want to live a long life? I originally thought that it didn’t matter. But after talking with Zena, I realized…I do want to see something. I want to see my grandchildren. I unconditionally love my nephew and niece so much right now and I love the happiness they bring to my parents lives, as well as my own. I love children, I love to look at them, play with them. They’re so pure, so innocent, so happy. They’re wide-eyed, curious about everything. They don’t have any stress, they eat and sleep all day. Just like Dwarf Hamsters. And I’m very jealous. Now, I know (well, I’m fairly certain) I’ll live to see my kids and watch them grow up. But I’d really like to see my grandchildren…I’m not sure if “Live long enough to play with grandchildren” should be a life long goal, but I’ll make it an unofficial one…and try to work that goal into my everyday life.
I want to get back to Warren from 6 years ago. The social Warren, the ambitious Warren. Now that I’ve dropped Warcraft again, I’m getting a bit of both back already. Now that I’m unhappy with some aspects of my life, I’m motivated to improve myself.
The summary is that being content with life is a curse. When you have all your goals, you get lazy, sloppy, careless. And any of them can be taken away at any time. And if they are, your lazy, sloppy, careless attitude will put you so behind that when you try to regain your goals, it’s going to be extra hard. So the key is to always stay on your toes…working extra hard leads to burnout. Being far behind means you have to catch up. But if your life has balance….with a little extra hard work, you’ll be okay.
Now, I’m going to catch up. And when I do, I’ll try to never fall behind again.
I’ve been using an increasingly large amount of 1337 (=leet=elite) speak lately in my twitter and blog. Most of it learned playing the World of Warcraft…
FTW…or FTH (For the Horde)
I enjoy using these terms, it makes me feel young, like I could still talk to a teen, even now. I DO also use old slang as well though…making me old.
Cowabunga! – nah, I don’t really say that
I wonder…what will happen to my 1337 speak now that I’ve stopped playing WoW. It’s undeniable that most of what I learned was from that game…
I never want to get too old that I forget how to talk like a teenage moron. What do I do? I don’t frequent urbandictionary often unless there’s a specific term I want.
I guess I should just play WoW and chill in Dalaran and watch the stupidity. If you’ve ever read/witnessed it, some of it is pretty fracking entertaining….pure genius hidden within pure idiocy. Some very intelligent people drowning their lives and their potential. Kinda like what I did.
Posting 2 old posts = EPIC WIN.
Running out of content = EPIC FAIL.
But that’s what this blog’s all about anyways. some EPIC FAIL. I CTRL-F 13 “Epic Fail”s on this page atm.