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Warren Shea

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For aspiring artists – by Joe Madureira

Sunday, October 13th, 2013 at 10:41 pm

Not just for aspiring artists – for EVERYONE!!

For those of you who don’t know, Joe Madureira was a mega star comic book artist in the late 90s and he’s been coming back to comics recently. He was my favorite for years, combining superhero type characters with slightly anime-ish art. Recently, there was a brief “words of wisdom” that I read that I wanted to share. Though it’s dedicated towards artists, the information is quite valuable and not unlike the things I’ve begun to learn, through my experience.

The original thread is here: More of his art can be found on this fan site: Joe Man Fan.



Believe it or not there is a difference. I’m not usually a soapbox type guy, I don’t like instructing people, and I think I’m a terrible teacher. But hey, it’s Friday and I’m in a strange mood. So here goes:

I’ve noticed that a good number of my fans happen to be aspiring artists themselves. This is for all you guys. I get asked constantly: “Where should I go to school?” “What classes should I take?” “What should I study for anatomy?” “What pencils and paper do you use?” “Should I be working digitally now instead of traditionally?” “How do I fix my poses? Learn composition? Perspective?” “When am I going to develop my own style?” “Who were your influences?” “Teach me how to draw hands!” The list goes on…

Here’s the deal. All of that stuff *is* important, and it may nudge you in the right direction. A lot of it you will discover for yourself. What works best for one person doesn’t work for another. That’s the beauty of art. It’s personal. It’s discovery. DON’T WORRY ABOUT ALL THAT CRAP!

Instead I’m going to answer the questions that you *SHOULD* be asking, but aren’t. These are things that have only recently occurred to me, after doing this for 20+ years. These things seem so obvious, but apparently they elude a lot of people, because I am surprised at how many ridiculously talented artists are ‘failing’ professionally. Or just unhappy. The beauty of what I’m about to tell you is that it doesn’t matter what field you’re in or what your art style is.

In no particular order:
1) DO WHAT YOU LOVE. If you are passionate about what you’re doing, it shows. If you’re having fun, it shows. If you’re bored, IT SHOWS. Some guys are able to work on stuff they have zero interest in, and still pull off great work, but I find that when I do this my motivation takes a huge hit. And Motivation is key. Money is not a great motivator. It’s temporary like everything else. And honestly, I’ve gotten paid the most money for some of the shittiest work I have ever done. That may sound awesome, but it’s not. And here’s why…

2) You MUST stay Excited and Motivated. Have you noticed that there are days you can’t draw a god damned thing? And some days you feel like you can draw anything? It’s 4am but you don’t notice because you are in the ZONE. Your hand is racing ahead of your mind and you can do no wrong?! Maybe it’s some new paper you got. Or a new program you’ve been wanting to try out. Or you just found some amazing shit on DeviantArt, or watched some movie that just makes you want to run straight to your board. This relates to the above because while it is possible to involve yourself in projects you aren’t excited about—maybe you need the cash, or think it will look good on your resume, whatever it is—it’s not going to last. You need to stay fresh. Expose yourself to new things. New techniques. You should be getting tired of your own shit on a fairly regular basis. Otherwise other people will.

3) Check your Ego. If you think you’re the shit, you’re already doomed. You may be really, really good at what you do, but there’s someone better. Sorry. There’s always plenty to learn, even for us old dogs. So when I meet young upstarts who have this sense of entitlement, or a know-it-all attitude, I just have to laugh. Some of the biggest egos I’ve ever witnessed were from people who have accomplished the least. Meanwhile, most guys who are supremely talented AND successful, and have EARNED the RIGHT to have an ego and throw their weight around, don’t. Why is that? It’s because…

4) RELATIONSHIPS ARE IMPORTANT. This may be one of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn. Early on, I didn’t value my relationships with people. Creatively or otherwise. I felt like I didn’t need anyone’s help and I could figure everything out on my own. Let’s face it, many of us become artists because we are reclusive, social misfits. We’d rather stay inside and draw shit than go outside and play. We like to live inside our own minds. Why not?! It’s awesome in there! And sometimes we don’t want to let other people in. But like I said—you can’t do it alone. I can honestly say that as much as I try to stay current, as much as I try to push my work and draw kick ass shit that will excite people, I would not be where I am today if it weren’t for all the other people I’ve met and learned from along the way. Guys who pulled strings for me. Took risks on me. Believed I was the right guy for the job. You need to manage your relationships. You need to network, and meet people. Drawing comics is still a pretty good place for reclusive types—but if you want to work in big studios—Making games, Films, animation, basically any other type of job on the planet, you’d better start making some connections. Be likeable. Be professional. That doesn’t mean be an opportunistic ladder climber. Fake people lose in the end. Be yourself, but be professional. It’s no secret that when people are hiring, our first instinct is to bring in people we know. It’s human nature. I don’t like unknowns, even if their portfolio is awesome. If we have a mutual connection, if they have great things to say about you, you’re in. If you have AMAZING artwork to show, and I call your last employer and they tell me what a pain in the ass you are to work with, you’re done. Talent and skill only get you so far. I am literally amazed at how often I meet guys that are total assholes and think they are going to get anywhere.

5) Here’s the BIG ONE. The greatest obstacle you will ever have to overcome IS YOURSELF. And the Fear that you are creating in your own head. Stay positive. Stop defeating yourself. There are artists I know that are so damn good they make me pee my pants. I look up to these mofos. I study their shit and I want to draw like them. And they are almost NEVER working on their DREAM project. And—big surprise, they aren’t happy in their job. “Why NOT?! WTF is WRONG WITH YOU?!” is usually my reaction. And the answer is almost always “The market isn’t great right now” “Other stories/games/comics like mine don’t do very well” “The shit that’s hot right now is nothing like mine, It’s just going to fail.” “I’m not sure I’m good enough.” “I need the money.” “Too Risky.” “I tried it before and failed. ” It doesn’t matter what words they use, they are afraid for one reason or another. I know. I’ve been there.

But here’s the deal. YOU NEED TO TAKE RISKS. Guess what? YOU ARE MOST LIKELY GOING TO FAIL. If you want it—REALLY want it, that won’t stop you. You will learn A LOT. My good friend Tim constantly jokes about how I jump out of planes without a parachute and worry about the landing on the way down. You may think that I’m lucky, that it’s easy for me to say because I’m already successful, that I’m in a different situation than you all are. But it’s not true. Risk is risk, no matter what level you’re at. If you’re already successful, you just take even bigger risks. But they never go away. Everything in life is Risk vs. Reward. Not just in your career. LIFE. You’d better get used to it.

I didn’t know what the hell I was doing when I got into comics. I left the #1 selling book at the time ( Uncanny X-men ) to work on Battle Chasers during a time when ‘Conan’ was about the only fantasy comic people knew. And no one was buying it. I wanted to work in games, so I started a game company. I had NO IDEA WTF I was doing. I just wanted it, really bad. We tanked. It failed. No big surprise. But the people I worked with got hired elsewhere and rehired me. I started ANOTHER game Company. We had 4 people and a dream, and some publishers wouldn’t even meet with us, because their ‘next gen console’ teams had 90+ people on them. I literally got hung up on. “Stick to handheld games, it’s smaller, maybe you can handle that…” one MAJOR publisher told us. I don’t blame them. But we didn’t let it stop us. Thank god we didn’t listen to them. Vigil was born. Darksiders happened, AND we got to make a sequel. It stands shoulder to shoulder with the best games in the industry, and the most elite and experienced game dev studios in the world. How is that possible?!!! Hardly any of us had even worked on a console game before. I’ll be honest, I was thinking we would fail the whole time. I just didn’t care. If I had to play the odds on this one, I’d bet against us.

Why am I telling you all this shit? This is not me patting myself on the back. It’s just stuff that has somehow only dawned on me recently when it’s been staring me in the face for so long. I feel like I need to wake you guys up!!! I’ve been limiting myself. I’ve gotten afraid. I’ve taken less risks. I saw my career going places I didn’t want to go. I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t excited. And I’ve realized, that all that stuff I just talked about is the reason I am where I am today. Not because I have a manga style, or I draw cool hands, or there’s energy in my drawings, or all the other things people rattle off to me. There are other guys that do all that same shit, and do it better. And amazingly, those same guys constantly tell me “Man, I wish I could do what you are doing.” “SO DO IT!!!!!” PLEASE listen to me—because I want you guys to make it. I want to look to one of you people for inspiration some day when it’s 2am and I need to keep drawing. Stop worrying about all the other stuff—the pencils, the paper, the anatomy, all that shit. It will only get you so far. You’ve already got most of what you need. I hope this helps some people. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for all the support over the years. You are all one of the greatest motivating forces in my life and my career. Sappy but true. Ok, let’s go draw some shit!!!”

Hopefully that excites and motivates you in a way. It’s funny – when you’re young, naive, and oblivious to all of this, even if you read it, you disagree or it doesn’t apply. And then as the years pass, you realize this kind of thinking is correct and that it was staring you in the face the whole time. You were just too “I can do this on my own” (not sure what the word is for that). This is, at least how I see this advice.

I always also thought I wouldn’t need anyone – that I could be awesome without anyone. But that’s not true at all – you don’t know everything at any point in the game and the more you know, the more you realize the less you know.

The biggest one, of which I still face every day of my life, is myself. The biggest obstacle you’ll ever overcome. The doubt, the lack of confidence, the insecurity, everything bad – and good. But it’s stupid and ludicrous how much of my own worst enemy I am. I just want to get over myself and be the person I know I can be. And the only thing holding me back – is me.

Anyways, hopefully that was a good read for you all. I feel pretty motivated to do stuff! I think I’ll try to do something interesting Sunday/Monday! :)

Insightful thoughts

Sunday, November 18th, 2012 at 12:23 am

These types of…(don’t know what the literary term for these is)…um…short…um…sayings?…have been on my mind lately.
I keep coming up with them!

Joining: “Reliable to succeed. Passionate to excel.
as something that I find incredibly true (even one year later), I’ve been thinking and want to explain these other ones I’ve come up with.

“You don’t know what you don’t know”
Taken from Things Change
That is, you don’t know what else exists because you simply don’t know. I think the more you think you know something, the less you really know about something.
As an example, I’m finding that I know so much about HTML. And that I’m near the end of my learning for it. But I also thought that a year ago. Two years ago. And every year, I get better showing how little I knew before. And with every new thing I learn, it opens up an infinite door of knowledge to everything else.

“I work hard so that I don’t have to work hard”NEW!
Basically, it’s like the opposite of procrastination. I’m finding that professionally, I’m very good at working hard early so that I don’t have to work hard later. I’ve always been like this. I’ll stay late one day and finish up all this work when it’s quiet and I’m left alone….so that the next day, I can just kinda chill and take things easy. One thing I’ve always found is that in the professional environment, you can accomplish more in 2 hours after hours than you could in 2 days during work hours – because of all the distractions, emails, and questions. DEAR GOD LEAVE ME ALONE.
One of my friends said recently that I have “such an easy life”. And well, I couldn’t disagree with her, but I think it’s easy because I make it easy. That is, I don’t put myself into situations where I have to stress…that constant vigilance is key. Do a little bit here and there and you don’t have to do a lot later. Do things early and you won’t get overwhelmed.
That’s how I am with work and professionally. That’s how I am with keeping my condo clean.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t apply to everything. Personal me is very much a procrastinator, doing things last minute. It’s odd because I understand the benefits of not procrastinating…but sometimes I just can’t help myself.

“Good enough is not good enough”NEW!
I’m finding that a lot of people around me, especially professionally, think that “Good enough” is “Good enough”. That they do a good enough effort. But it bothers me when these people expect more than what they get. For me, “Good enough is not good enough”. That is, the mentality of “Good enough” is pretty much as close to satisfactory as you can get.

In Waterloo Co-op, they rate you as:
Unsatisfactory, Satisfactory, Very Good, Excellent, Outstanding

Even at the place I’m employed at, they rate you as:
Below Expectations, Mixed, Solid, Distinguished, Outstanding

And they used to rate you as:
Contribution Below Expectations,Successfully Meets Expectations, Exceptional Contribution

Basically though, “Good enough” – doing a successful bare minimum is just average. You’re not failing, you’re barely passing – but you’re passing. And that’s average – the same as everyone else. But how can a person expect to get promoted, recognition, a raise, or anything like that by doing average? There’s no way. People don’t reward average or satisfactory. They reward those that stand out. The only way you’re going to get things you expect are coming to you is if you do above average. I’m realizing as I write this that it’s actually the similar to “Reliable to succeed. Passionate to excel.” but it’s adding something before that: “Good enough to be average. Reliable to succeed. Passionate to excel.”

Anyways, just getting a little peeved at those who do the bare minimum and think they’re doing an awesome job…and then get pissed when they don’t get money..or power…or women. People should really try to look at other people’s views and feedback…and re-evaluate who they are and who they want to be, if anything. Looking at yourself through your own eyes is the most biased way of looking at things. Try to meet high standards in other people’s eyes. Only then will you know if you’ve been successful.

Again, if a person’s not complaining, then that’s cool. Good enough is good enough for them.

♪ ♫ What can you do when your good isn’t good enough ♬ ♪

Tuesday, January 17th, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Click to show

I’ve been listening to this song lately…it’s a…sad song I guess. When I rewatched Glee, listening to this song was really emotional.

“What can you do when your good isn’t good enough? When all that you touch tumbles down?”

These lyrics starting to pop into my head whenever I see someone failing at something.

I’m looking at my peers.

One of them put 100% into a relationship and it still failed.
One of them tries to work really hard but still struggles at their job.
One of them tries to work really hard but doesn’t get recognized for their work.

I’m just listening to this song as those lyrics (the entire song almost) apply themselves everywhere.

When I listen to this song, I think: desperation

Trying impossibly to do, to get or fix something. But maybe you can’t. Not this time.

I’ve dealt with my own share of personal desperate failures in the last few years. Times where I feel desperation…because what I’m doing just isn’t good enough to get what I want or fix situations.

It’s a horrible feeling to have…this desperation. And when I look around me at those who have had or have this feeling, I wonder:
How could they not see it coming?
How could they not prepare for it?

But…I’m guilty of the exact same thing. Sometimes…these situations just happen.

I’ve been thinking hard about myself and that I always need to be prepared.
Prepared to lose things. My girlfriend. My job. My possessions. My family.

Ugh. Even writing that is almost like…admitting that I can lose something. I mean, on one hand I want to be prepared for failure. But on another hand, I should strive for success and failure should never even be an option. I shouldn’t even consider preparing because I *know* I’m not going to fail. But that’s not it…it’s that as much as I try not to fail, sometimes it just happens. That’s the point I guess.

(Knowing you’ll never fail is a confidence and arrogance in yourself that defies logic. A younger me was very guilty of that. Even now, I’m somewhat guilty of it…but I’m more vulnerable now than when I was younger. I have much more to lose.)

So I need to always be on my toes. And make sure I never fall into a situation where this desperation applies to me.
If I lose my job: what do I do? I need to constantly keep my skills up so that I can get another job ASAP. I can’t ever fall behind so much that I don’t have the skill to do something.
If I lose my possessions: what do I do? I need to remember that money and material things aren’t what make my life. And that my family is there to support me.
If I lose my girlfriend: what do I do? I die a horrible death alone. I think this is the one I’m probably least prepared for…

Anyways, this song and the lyrics have been floating around my head lately…seemingly popping up everywhere and applying to everything. I just wanted to…remind everyone that sometimes you fail, despite your best efforts. And that everyone needs to not only be prepared for it, but to accept this reality and be prepared to move past it. To accept that sometimes you fail. To accept that you have to try again.

Reliable to succeed. Passionate to excel.

Friday, October 15th, 2010 at 3:01 am

I’ve been thinking about the most important attribute for an employee to have. In every resume, everyone lists certain individual qualities to promote themselves (by individual qualities, I mean qualities specifically strong to them).

To paraphrase my own resume, I say that I:
have a high energy
have a positive attitude
have passion for this field
am a strong team player
focus on strategic collaboration
am an independent developer
enjoy problem solving, researching, troubleshooting
believe in maximizing experiences

My old resume said that I have/am:
Leadership, team-oriented, a great communicator, and demonstrates initiative as displayed through extra-curricular activities
Creative, responsible, efficient, dependable, enthusiastic, patient

I’ve given this post, myself, and my professional image a lot of thought the last few months. I’ve thought about what I do well, what I do exceptional, and what I need improvement on. I need improvement on the following:

  • Coming to work on time. I come late, I stay late, I work lots of extra hours. But I come in late. And that’s unprofessional. People say it doesn’t matter because I make up for it (which I do), but it still looks bad.
  • Being proactive to try to fix things out of my comfort area.
  • Not dressing appropriately. I wear (black) sneakers to work, I don’t tuck in my dress shirt…I look like a student still. But I’ve unofficially been given the responsibility of a senior.
  • I get distracted too easily. If you’ve ever worked with me or been around me, this is my biggest professional issue (in my eyes). BUT if I didn’t get distracted, I wouldn’t know so much about everything. This is why I think (and I’ve been told) that I would make a good manager. I always know what everyone is working on, I take the time to find out or I’m nosy or whatever, but I’m always looking at the big picture in terms of team management.

Given all this in mind, they’re mostly all “cosmetic” changes, none of which really interfere with my job. Even with all these issues and possibly/probably more, I’m still a valued member of the team, I often get recognition others on my team don’t get…and while I know I do a good job, I don’t imagine I do my job that much better (or better at all) than some of my co-workers.

So this leads me to ask myself:
If I’m getting recognized by my co-workers, why/how am I being recognized more than others whom I feel deserve the recognition equally/more than me?

5 years ago I had no idea. I got “Outstanding” on 3 work terms but I didn’t really know specifically why. 2 years ago I had no idea.
But after recent months, I’ve really starting to ask myself “why?”. I always thought I was equal to everyone…but the more work experience I’ve gotten, the longer I’ve been around the same people, the more I realize that it’s not true and there’s something that makes me special.

And I swear, this is not an egotistical, arrogant speech. It’s fact. (Okay, maybe it’s a little egotistical and arrogant).

Just like my recent post, “Yes” Man, where I had been iterating the words in my head: “Very selfless professionally. Very selfish individually.”, I have been repeating these words as well, longer in fact.

“Reliable to succeed. Passionate to excel.”

Q: What does your boss want?
A: Someone who can get the job done well. Originally my statement was “Someone who can get the job done” but you can’t have a half-assed or barely passing job…

Here are some attributes, probably listed on tons of resumes, that just don’t matter if you can’t get the job done
High Energy
Detail Minded
Takes Initiative
Following Instructions
Organizational Skills
Setting Priorities
Team Player

All of these attributes are a means to an end. An end of getting the job done. In my eyes, reliability encompasses all of these (as necessary pertaining to the job). There’s a lot of emphasis on personality in job interviews, wondering if people are a good fit with the team, etc. From my experience, no amount of “good personality” will save you if you can’t get the job done. In the work place, we’re not friends, we’re only co-workers. I don’t need you to be nice, I don’t need you to go drinking, I just need you to do the work.

So I think one of the keys of why I do well, why people go to me for questions, why I get the “important” projects is simple: I’m reliable. You go to me when you need something done well or need something fixed. There are countless instances that say “This guy hasn’t let me down before”…so people put their faith, trust, and peace of mind with me. Because I’ll get sh!t done. And look good doing it And it will be done well.

However, if you want to do very well, reliability won’t take you far enough. You’ll be good at your job but what happens when new things are thrown into the mix. What happens when you need to adapt to new changes? You can take them as they come…but that won’t make you reliable anymore. You’ll be playing catch up just like everyone else. You need to be prepared of new things ahead of time. That’s where the second part comes in: Passionate to excel.

This is speaking strictly from the web developer role and through my experiences with previous co-workers, co-op students, as well as current co-workers. All the developers, senior developers, and co-op students fit into these 3 different roles/categories: they can’t get the job done, they do the job, or they do the job well. The exceptional ones, the ones I think back with high regard all had an extra quality in common. Passion. Passion for this field we work in.

One of the senior developers was very passionate about the field. He had his own website, went home and did research in the area as well as developed in his own time. Went to web seminars, kept up with current technology. He loved this field.
Another senior developer built his own site within the last couple of years, learning technologies beyond what was presented in the workplace.
One co-op student came in with a lot of knowledge on PHP and jQuery, something he had learned before hand. Because he knew so much, I also learned a lot…more on him later.
Another co-op student also had her own site, reading programming books and developed in her own time to accomplish tasks outside of what was necessary.

Note that these exceptional ones all have the reliable trait as well. There have been passionate, unreliable ones…I’m not talking about them…

All of the people above (and I’m going to throw myself in this category), at some point learned in their own time. It wasn’t for the job (though the job benefited in the end) it was for some type of personal gain. They used their personal time to learn.

In my eyes, that’s what made the difference between doing the job and doing the job well. It was the added, extra experience you can’t pick up on the job, the experience that takes practice and time and carries with you throughout your life. It was being resourceful, using experience to offer new solutions and out of the box thinking. You don’t get that with people who just do the job. They just want the end result, they don’t care how you get there. They want things to work, but it doesn’t matter how it was done. Which is fine if that’s what you want…but it’s not good enough for me. If I were their manager, I wouldn’t keep them….because again, I want a job done well, not a job simply done. I wouldn’t pay people for satisfactory. But that’s just me. I’m a perfectionist/elitist/control freak :)

Personally, I can’t grow with people like that around me, people constantly making the same mistakes, people that just don’t really care. I mean, they care about their job, but just enough to get by. It’s the ones that I can learn from, the ones that counter/argue with me and say to me: “You’re doing this wrong Warren. (Dumbass).” that I want around me. If their point is valid, if I respect their skills and intelligence, I will listen. And I will learn and hopefully not make that mistake again. I will grow….and just the same, I can call them a dumbass (in a nice way) and they’re willing to see my point and grow as well.

There was one co-op I worked really well with. We had the relationship where I could easily say “no, that’s a terrible way to do it” and he could do the same. We would spend lots of time, 30 minutes to an hour simply arguing about the best way to do a simple, almost irrelevant thing. And I loved it. Because I respected his intelligence and input, we both really worked together to do something the right way. We didn’t care about the task or the project, it was a fundamental care for developing. But I learned a lot from him, he was really strong in jQuery, often saying “man, the 20 lines of code you wrote, I could do in one” or “that’s coded really poorly…why not do this”. And I would (at first take offense and counter with why I did stuff the way I did) but I would always take what he said into consideration. If he was right, and he often was, I would then modify my code to make it shorter, better, up to his standards. Which is awesome, he pushed me…despite being a co-op, he would say “you suck, i’m better than you” and it would make me do better.

Anyways, getting a little side tracked. If I had my choice, I would surround myself with these people. Reliable and passionate. In a perfect world….

But I have clearly seen (from experience) the difference between the 4 traits.
I’ve seen unreliable and indifference. That guy got laid off.
I’ve seen unreliable and passionate. That guy got laid off too.
I’ve seen reliable and indifference. Those people are still employed.
I’ve seen reliable and passionate. One guy got promoted to senior, one guy was senior, one guy was me…sorta getting promote (i hope >_<) and...well, I guess those 2 co-ops are doing alright? I don't really know. From what I have seen, and what I've written, I truly believe: Reliable to succeed. Passionate to excel. holds some merit, at least in the developer world.

When you’re working, take some time and think it over. Look at these traits, look at your co-workers, look at yourself. Think about it…

I’m a bit annoyed at myself for writing this given all I’ve written and how strongly I believe in what I’ve written but I should add that reliability can also be a negative trait to have. I would honestly say I’m extremely reliable…but because of that, there are often times when I get near impossible tasks – impossible to do in the set working hours, possible to do if I work (unpaid) overtime. And because I pride myself in reliability and it’s a key trait of mine, it’s often the case that I will work overtime or after hours to finish a seemingly impossible task in a timely manner. I believe I put more overtime than the other 39 or so people in the department…well, I would I would be in the top 3 for sure. And it all depends what you want, if you want to sacrifice personal time (and in my case, get no monetary gain) and if you think the sacrifice is all worth it. And I personally believe it is….that it will pay off in the end…but maybe it won’t and then I’ve wasted my life/time (tho I believe in karma, so I think I should be okay). It’s up to each person to decide a question like that…if being very reliable is worth it or not.

Given the type of person I am, the way I worked before even thinking about this stuff…it’s clear that I’ve already made my decision. Reliable to a fault.

I like you. Like like.

Thursday, June 3rd, 2010 at 12:10 am

Sometimes…I think about all the people that walk by me everyday…literally hundreds/thousands of people pass by me in a single day. And each one of them…

-Has lost something/someone they’ve loved in life
-Shed tears for a reason they felt worth crying over
-Have their stories to tell
-Liked a number of people. Like Liked.

Think about all the strangers that pass you everyday…how many people have they been infatuated with over the course of their life. Take one person and imagine them as a dot. If that person has liked say, 5 people in their life (which is a pretty small number I would think), then you have 5 lines coming from that dot. And 5 more lines coming from THOSE end dots, and so on and so on – whoa, Math 239 Graph Theory just popped into my head – until you have this enormous web of infatuations. Now, much like that 6 degrees of separation, I imagine EVERYONE in the world being connected in this web.

If everyone liked say, 5 people, then on average, you yourself should be liked BY 5 people. 5 connections from every single person = 5 x total population = 5 times everyone is liked…on average.

Now me, I’ve been infatuated with a number of people throughout my life. Rarely did I ever tell them…and if I’ve never told them, it makes me wonder how many people have never told me they liked me. And this goes for everyone. Now…I start thinking about the people I know…who might never have had anyone be infatuated with them. I’m sure you can think of at least one or two people in your life like that. If you really can’t imagine that nobody has ever liked them…why is that so?

I would hate to be THAT person. To be either so unlikable, so obnoxious, so awkward…so ugly….that not a single person has ever been infatuated with them. I don’t know…I’m insecure in the sense of my own worth through how others see me matters. Throughout my life, when I knew people were infatuated with me…I felt good about myself. That I’m doing something right in life and that people actually would…want to be with me. Obviously this isn’t so much the case now, I’m thinking about my past. There are a number of people that have confessed feelings for me…kinda makes me wonder about all the people that didn’t. I guess I’ll never know just like I’ll never confess my feelings for the girls I’ve liked in the past.

Love is tough…putting yourself out there hoping to be accepted. Kind of like applying for a job or trying to get a promotion or applying to a school. It’s like a date, one side is figuring out if you are worthy of the role or not. And you get acceptance or rejection. And acceptance makes you feel good, rejection makes you feel lousy.

I don’t envy that game at all. I mean, unless you’re fairly attractive, having tons of people like you, the game isn’t that easy. Love is some tough sh!t to get.

/stupid game…it’s like metal gear solid on extreme mode. after a few hours of playing the same impossible thing ur like “fuck” and you turn the console off. but you can’t turn life off. well…you can but I would advise against it. Not talking anyone into suicide…well, not again I mean. It didn’t work out so well the first time…I joke, I joke……. :S