Recently saw The Shawshank Redemption for the 3rd or so time. There’s are a couple conversations in it where Red (Morgan Freeman) and Heywood (another prison inmate) argue about Brooks (an old prison inmate) about the concept of being institutionalized (institutionalized syndrome). Here are the conversations:

Red: These walls are funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That’s institutionalized.
Heywood: Shit. I could never get like that.
Prisoner: Oh yeah? Say that when you been here as long as Brooks has.

and later…

Red: Would you knock it off? Brooks ain’t no bug. He’s just… just institutionalized.
Heywood: Institutionalized, my ass.
Red: The man’s been in here fifty years, Heywood. Fifty years! This is all he knows. In here, he’s an important man. He’s an educated man. Outside, he’s nothin’! Just a used up con with arthritis in both hands.

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I think that sums up my stay at my current workplace pretty well. I’ve been there 7 years in total (3 co-op, 1 contract, 5 full time) and it’s all I really know. I’ve been to other companies but not at the level I am today. In my current role, I’m an important man. One of the most important. But out there, I might be nothing. And it’s terrifying. I’ve literally worked years to build up to be where I am. And while the skills will likely transfer over to another role, I don’t want to build up the respect I have now somewhere else. I’d rather be an important person, one of the “go-to developers” than “one of the developers”.

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I know the real reason why I haven’t left my ‘prison’ in years. Even when it’s been bad.

One is fear. Fear of what else is out there, fear of not being important, fear of failure.

And that ties into the other reason: pride.
Pride is a tricky thing. It can be the reason why a person might not do something rational, expected, obvious….and be the reason why a person might do something stubborn, unexpected, irrational.

For someone with a high pride, I don’t want to feel the fear of failure. Of not being respected or skilled or important.

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In a recent post, I asked myself when the chance for me to become great will be. And I realize: I can never be great with fear and pride in the way. The truth of why I haven’t been great is because I let the most important years pass me by. I let fear and pride get in the way. I looked opportunity in the eye and I cowered away from it. I never applied for the jobs I should have applied for. Never grasped the opportunity when it came for me. I made a success of my life for what it is, but did not try to make a success of my life for what it could be.

There was even a point, when I just got out of school, that I was offered an opportunity at Microsoft. Unfortunately, I actually couldn’t take it at the time. But I never did follow up with that. Or try to get it back. That and countless times when I didn’t do when I should have, because pride and fear got in the way.

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So it’s either:
Try to become great – let go of my fear and pride and strive for higher grounds.
Or
Try to become great and strive for higher grounds without abandoning fear and pride.

The latter is how I’ve lived my life – and it’s been working out for me. Except that fact about being “great”. But how important is it to become great? It it just in my head? I’m living a decent life right now…do I need to be great? and what does that even mean?

I do believe that it’s possible that I can never be great simply because of how self-aware I am. Because I’m self-aware of my flaws, it makes me that much more susceptible to them. Whereas one who’s oblivious to such fears will blindly jump into a scenario that could cause great success…or great failure. I’m a careful person, cold, calculating….that’s who I am. Would I change that to become “great”? Definitely not. I’ve chosen a safe path in life for one cannot become great without taking great risk, and possibly failing.

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Anyways, just been thinking about some stuff lately. That’s enough for now.