I’m so behind on my posts this month.

I’ve been working like crazy the last fews days…despite a mild fever. I’ve been pulling 12 hour~ days.
I’m trying to finish two projects by this Friday so I’m working really hard to meet those timelines (though one of them could be late).

My weekend was pretty busy and relaxing…but my Monday was rough.

See, every once in a while (I’m talking 2-3 times a year), I get this feeling of depression. I don’t know what it is, I wake up and I’m just not seeing things positively. It’s a temporary phase though, I know that I’ll feel like this for x amount of time and once this has passed, I know I won’t even be able to feel like this again, even if I were to try.

Anyways, Monday was rough. I knew I wasn’t feeling great so I decided to get myself a coffee (I don’t usually drink coffee anymore). Caffeine wakes me up and also generally turns my grumpy demeanour into a more pleasant façade. Usually. But again, sometimes coffee has an alternate effect. Sometimes it makes me jittery and anxious. Well, guess what it did to me on Monday. The jitteryness and anxiety, coupled with a full day of production issues, one after another, and not being able to work on my projects (that have impending deadlines), and a developing fever….and it was like a perfect storm of sh!ttyness.

I could feel the caffeine in me, the jitteryness, all day and night Monday. I could feel it on Tuesday. I only got rid of that jittery feeling Wednesday. Not sure if it was the caffeine but I also had a bit of stress/work filled insomnia the last couple nights. I slept early on Tuesday but woke up wired, stressed, and worried in the middle of the night. I ended up deving for 2.5 hours from 2am-4:30am, trying to use my insomnia-tic time effectively. Because I know that the more productive I am, the easier it will be to fall asleep (because I feel like I’ve accomplished something), and the less stressed I’ll be the next day or so.

I’m in a decent place right now work wise. My deadlines seem reachable. My fever is pretty much gone and I don’t feel the caffeine anymore, nor the stress/anxiety/insomnia or depression.

Even as I write this, it’s difficult trying to describe, or feel my depression. Had I written this on the day I was actually depressed, the words would have come much easier.

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One of the things that really depressed me, which is still somewhat lingering in my mind is: is my future in (web/application) development?

I’ve tried so hard to believe it is. I’ve spent so much time the last 3 years focusing on development in my future. But I know…I’m not a natural developer. I don’t have a born gift with it, it’s not something that comes as naturally to me as it does for others. And I use my uni comp sci friends as a comparison. Some of them were excellent programmers. A born talent I couldn’t hope to achieve. Even now, with all my learning, my understanding is below theirs. It’s…depressing. Many of them don’t even develop anymore. And some of them, of whom I felt superior to back in those days have since surpassed me.

I’m not using my time effectively.

But the thing is…in my own way, I am. Compared to my co-worker peers (who walk the same path as I), I develop far more than any of them. And, compared to my co-workers, it shows as I’ve risen to the top. I’m ahead of a dozen of other developers. But I still feel inferior. If I were to go to any other more technical company, I would be junior/intermediate…I believe. And I know that staying here stunts my growth…but I’m also terrified to see what else is out there. Because I’m comfortable here, I matter, I’m important. But out there…I’m just a dime a dozen.

I think the only way to get over my fear, while still staying at this company, is to improve on my free time. Which is what I’ve been trying to do. I’ve been trying to learn this and that, the things I don’t learn at work. Development is an interesting thing: you can get better at it on your own time. I would say that in most jobs, you can only improve while you’re at work. Development is not so. I feel lucky this way because I generally have more “free” time than the average person due to my antisocialness. But I can’t forget many other developers with similar personalities also have this “advantage”.

So in all this time I’ve had, why have I progressed so little. Is it that I try to surpass genius with hard work? But I’m finding that no amount of hard work can surpass natural talent (totally thinking of Rock Lee VS Neji here). Am I not challenging myself? Am I not reading enough? I spend much of my time developing…developing warrenshea.com, secretproject kb…but none of that is really challenging. I spend so much time but I’m not learning enough. I’m still staying in my comfort zone.

I enjoy development but I want to be great at it. Not just good. I want more for myself. But I don’t feel confident that I have the skill to back that up now. And if not now, then when? I feel that I’ve already past my…age when something great should have happened.

I wonder…if this isn’t my natural skill…then what is?

People think I’m a great artist.
People think I’m the anime king.
People think I’m the cartoon god.
People think I’m the computer whiz.
People think I’m the hardcore gamer.
People think I’m smart.

But as good as any of my skills are, I’m not that good at any of these things. I don’t have an exceptional talent at any of these things. I personally know people who are better/more into any of these things. I’m a jack of all trades, master of none.

So where is my genius? Where is my natural talent? What is that one thing that I’m exceptional at and why haven’t I found it yet? Or will I live my life never knowing what that skill could be.
(I wrote this in a prev blog post but it’s relevant now) – I look at those rock balancers at the CNE. They’re exceptionally skilled at what they do. But how would one discover such a skill? How many people go through life never knowing what their exceptional talent is? Am I one of them?

I’m been contemplating if development is the right path for me. I’ve been so sure for years now. I love it. Honestly, there is almost nothing that can pull me away from a good developer groove. I thrive on those rare moments. I’m not working 12 hours a day lately and hating it. I’m working 12 hours a day and going to sleep, excited for what I’m going to do tomorrow. The only reason I sleep is necessity. So if I love it so much…why am I still not as strong as I’d like to be.
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I had a job interview a few months back. It was for a job that I wasn’t qualified for. But I wanted to be qualified for it. I’m a senior front-end developer. But I also do PHP and ASP.NET…so my resume lists me as a senior web developer. So the job I was applying for was for that. But that’s not me.

And even in the interview, they said that I had progressed quite far and quite fast given my experience. Even at my current job, I feel that way. 6 years ago I was just entering the work force but I’m at the head of department on a technical level. BUT I STILL FEEL SO BEHIND.

It’s stupid. I want to get a job I’m somewhat unqualified for. One where I get the time and environment to catch up. But no one wants to hire an unqualified person. I keep having headhunters call me because of my awesome warrenshea.com website and the fact that I’m listed as a senior web developer. But when we discuss, on a technical level, what is required for the prospective job, I always come up short. Because…I’m not qualified to be the senior web developer, despite my current title/role.

I think I’m going to change my resume to Senior Front End Web Developer…but then I’ll only get contacted for people looking to do Senior Front End Web Development. But I want more, I want PHP and ASP.NET………sigh, such a stupid situation I’m in. I could purposely sell myself short and say I’m an Intermediate Web Developer…but that’s not really true to me either. I’m senior now and I’ve earned it. (any advice would be helpful please)

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So this has been what’s been on my mind this week. This, and that I’ve been developing ridiculous hours all week…a difficult project too so I’m having a lot of fun, and thus have no desire to blog.

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Usually I feel so together. I’ve spent a lot of thinking figuring out where I want to be. But right now, I feel unsettled. Unsatisfactory. I don’t feel I’m living up to my potential. I want to be great. Some people are born with greatness, some people have greatness thrust upon them. So if neither of those are/will be true for me, how can I become great. Will I be swept up in fate or will I create my own destiny? Can I still be great? I don’t think it’s too late. But what can I do to get me there?

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