What happens when an arrogant, egotistical, self-centered, cocky and finally, for lack of a better word – jerk, experiences an incredibly humbling moment?

I feel…different. Like, I don’t feel like myself. I feel like a shell of my former self. I’m looking at everything different now, what’s important and what’s not. For all my bravado and talk, for all the moments that I’m a dick to everyone else because I think I’m better than them….it all just seems so irrelevant. And foolish. Foolish of me.

I don’t know how long this will last…but I feel nicer. I appreciate the people in my life more…and I don’t feel like I’m on my self-imposed pedestal…like I sometimes/usually do.

My self-confidence….fluctuates. I would say I’ve always had low self confidence but I don’t really believe that anymore. But I feel less capable than before.

I keep asking myself “how could i have been so stupid?”. It crosses my mind as I’m falling asleep. It’s one of the first things I think of when I wake up. It keeps running through my head, multiple times an hour. My shoulders are heavier, my thoughts are slower (because I can’t seem to focus on anything), my doubts are higher…I’m not depressed…I’ve just lost a bit of faith arrogance in myself. I can feel myself shutting myself out from everyone, so I can heal myself before I come back to this world. I just have too many bottled thoughts and emotions right now.

I feel guilt. I feel sick to my stomach. It’s overbearing right now…but it’s keeping me in place. I hate the feeling, but it’s necessary. I can just feel myself building character with every moment (lol).

I wouldn’t have thought that I’d have 2 direction changing events occur to me in less than 2 years, especially when I (used to) feel like such a rational, capable, intelligent person.

Anyways, enough of this cryptic writing…

Time to do laundry. I know I can do that right.
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WTF ALL MY WHITES ARE PINK!
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…no that didn’t happen.