You know when Dexter has those moments where he narrates what he’s thinking…asking himself how to react in certain situations or what face to display…sometimes I ask myself the exact same things in my head IRL (in real life).
Perhaps somewhat complimentary to my lack of empathy, I find that sometimes someone will say something and I won’t know what face to react with. I ask myself: Do I smile? Do I give a concerned look? Where are they going with this? It’s not a natural reaction…sometimes I just have problems reading people even when they’re not trying to hide things. I think I’m better at reading subtle things, a smirk, a glance, a comment…but when someone waves a flag infront of me, I miss it. For example, my gaydar. I’m totally oblivious to such obvious things. But I might sense someone likes someone else by a slight hesitation or a glance.
There was this teacher I was talking to once….and she was telling me a story of how her student’s mom hugged her and thanked her for teaching the student to read. Touching right? I mean…my reaction was supposed to be “wow, that’s so sweet…that really touches your heart” but my actual reaction was a puzzled, perplexed look. “Why would she hug you? That’s weird” I thought to myself. Obviously, I had missed the whole point or aspect of the story she was telling. I just couldn’t feel that emotion…
It’s weird…I’m not very emotional in real life. I don’t know what it is…if I try not to let things in or if I just feel this empty void in my soul. A lot of the time, I act how I believe I should act. I smile because I think I should smile. But my emotions are very…dull in real life. However, I get pretty emotional when I watch stuff…I can get really emotional if something hits the right spot. There’s a scene in Gundam Seed where Cagalli thinks Athrun killed Kira (between eps 26-30). Cagalli’s really pissed and then Athrun admits that he knew Kira and doesn’t know why he did what he did…there are tears streaming down both their faces. When I watch that scene, I FEEL Athrun’s conflicted emotions…his sadness and confusion. It really hits that spot for me. That’s just an example…I really feel this…sadness…but it’s a feeling I don’t really get in real life. I guess that’s a good thing?
Anyways…back to Dexter…he’s able to pull off fooling people with his fake emotions. And so am I. While that character is fictional and definitely more devoid of emotion than I, I do sort of relate to his thought process sometimes. I dunno, my natural fake reaction is to react with a smile…it’s kinda weird, I do find I’m smiling when I hear totally unsmilable news. That either makes me look creepy or like an ass. I’ll have to watch out for that.
When I was re-reading Naruto Part 2 a month ago…I was reading about Sai’s character, whom I originally heavily disliked. But then he started talking about his lack of emotion, not knowing how to react to things, and he started showing his fake smile…and I started feeling like I could relate to him. Then, he stopped being so bad…
From a “Warren in society” POV, it’s probably not a good thing that I’m relating to Dexter and Sai…but it’s okay, no one reads this blog anyways :)