I have been sitting in front of WordPress for half an hour 45 minutes about an hour an hour and a half now.

Writing and erasing.

My mind is racing but the words aren’t coming out. Well, they are…but they’re delicate words. Words I can’t share with everybody. So after I write, I erase. And repeat. And repeat.

There are things I want to say…but can’t. I’ve felt bottled up all week. Is “I have emotional blue balls” an expression cuz if not, I’d like to coin it.

Oh fuck, I looked it up on urban dictionary and it’s already got a definition. emotional blueballs. God dammit. At least I still have “Ninja Update”.

I’m really looking for a deep talk. And I have no where to go to or anyone to talk to. When was the last time I had a deep talk? When was the last time I talked about anything real?

I want to hear something I don’t hear everyday. I’m tired of talking about movies. And the weather. And my plans for the weekend. And work. I need something that will challenge my morals, something that is disagreeable (but not religion or politics), something that doesn’t have a right answer. I want to hear about a new relationship or problems that a couple might be having. When all my friends are married or getting married, when all my friends work regularly, when all my friends have lives as dull as mine, when all my friends answer “good” to the question “how’s it going?”, then where can I get my drama? And no, I’m not looking for a dramatic show. No matter how korean and how “it will make me cry” it is.

I need a change. I need to either go out driving alone (it’s too cold to walk around) for a bit or I need to get piss ass drunk with my friends and ignore the problem. Regardless, tomorrow I’m gonna do one of those two things. Maybe both if I get to the kinda drunk that makes me a better driver. ;)

God damn that emotional blueballs definition. Did that ever happen to me? I don’t think so…but the memories of almost emotional blueballs stings a bit. I wish I hadn’t read it…now I’m just angry.

Okay. I’m frustrated. No more writing.

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I hope none of the friends I’m seeing tomorrow read this post…”insulting” is not a trait I’d like to have. Well, I mean, unintentional insulting. Intentional insulting is fine…it doesn’t make many friends but it can be hella funny.

Also, I won’t drink and drive. Regardless of how awesome a driver I will become.