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Warren Shea

Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

Confidence in my voice.

Thursday, December 8th, 2011 at 2:35 am

I’m not referring to singing voice here. I’m finding as I grow older that I’m more confident in my voice. By that, I mean I have more confidence in voicing my concerns, my opinions, my advice, my knowledge.

I don’t think I ever had trouble voicing things I knew. I remember in Grade 4 going up to the blackboard to teach division, having learnt it well before we learned it in elementary school.
In early high school, I had tutored math. I was really shy at it…at first. But I was always strong at the teaching math part, just not the talking to students about non-math. I believe Kumon + my high school friends/life were the 2 most influential aspects to coming out of my shell.

But I can’t say I was ever really comfortable with my opinions until recently. I’ve lead a somewhat sheltered life. I don’t think I was ever one of the cool kids…even if my friends were the cool kids. I was probably the weird one of them most of the time. Even with my co-workers, I’m probably the weird one. Hm. Eccentric, not weird. Eccentric. Anyways, I haven’t done a lot of things in my life when everyone else did them…I had bubble tea for the first time well after (months after) it was popular. I didn’t go clubbing until late first (?) or second year of uni whereas most other people went as soon as they entered college/university. When my friends started drinking, I tried but didn’t like it cuz it tended to put me to sleep and give me headaches. (Obviously, I’m very different now…10 years too late). My first, and only *real* relationship was started when I was 22, later than most (but not as late as some). While most of my friends have traveled many places, I’m still not one to travel. Unfortunately (for Z), I don’t know if that will ever change. The only thing I like about travelling is staying in a hotel (I feel so special!).

Anyways, I’m just…late to things. And with that, comes the lack of knowledge to accurately voice my opinion on things. Also the fact that I don’t know squat about religion, politics, world news, (and many more things).

Still, over time I’ve been able to gradually learn and catch up to a point that I feel confident in giving myself a voice. Work has helped a lot. I know that as little as 5 years ago, I had peer evaluations that say I was shy and that I needed to speak up more often, because I had good ideas but was afraid to express them. Truer words have never been spoken. I can’t say that this comment applies to me now though. I think the combination of work and doing well at work, as well as being in a relationship which gave me more confidence in life, as well as talking to women (yes, seriously…i used to be very very bad at it…) helped a lot.

But I think what really helped solidify my voice has been this blog.

It’s a wonderful feeling being able to express myself through the written word, in which I’ve been historically poor at, and being not only praised, but connecting with other individuals. To write about anything and everything about life, and having that occasional post touch someone. I’ve had co-workers occasionally, or even regularly read my blog. I’ve occasionally sent posts to co-workers to inspire them (and successfully done so). I mean, I write a lot of stuff. Most of it crap or updates about life or whatever. But sometimes I’ll write something that applies not only to myself, but to other people. To give them something to think about that they may not have. It’s just great to be able to write about everything…and have someone randomly say something about my writing. That they like reading my blog. Or that they like my writing style. I don’t know where my faults are (other than lack of proof reading and many grammatical errors) but I know I grow with everything I write. I’m able to organize and express my thoughts better and more clearly.

I know I haven’t blogged as much about anything real lately, before this month. It was a dry spell on this blog and to be honest, I didn’t seem to really care. Even now, I feel I’m slowly losing motivation to keep this blog up to date. But that doesn’t mean I want to stop now, or ever.

It’s never a bad thing to keep a journal, or just to have an emotional outlet. These blog posts aren’t deep talks but they can be pretty close sometimes.

Okay, time to sleep.

Thanks for reading everyone. I hope my writing has helped motivate you, given you a smile, and even helped you grow, just as it has helped me. I started blogging almost 2 years ago (1 year, 10 months) and it’s been a wild journey. I never knew I would have so much fun writing and sharing my thoughts with others.

Cutting people off

Sunday, December 4th, 2011 at 3:31 am

“You’re dead to me”

Let me explain (tho I’m not sure I need to). The quote doesn’t mean I would do harm to him/her/them. And I don’t mean that they should die. And I’m not wishing them dead either.
It means that “as far as I’m concerned, you no longer exist to me in any way important”.

It’s not a hard concept to grasp. Occasionally, someone in your life will do something or multiple things that make you realize they have no aspect of importance to your life. They’re not beneficial in any way, and only a hindrance to your time, your emotional state, your monetary situation, your social status, whatever.

They don’t help. They take advantage of you. They endlessly complain. They make you dumber. They make you angrier. All they do is negatively impact your life.

It’s time to cut them off.

You don’t need to necessarily say “You’re dead to me” obviously :) You just ignore their existence a little more…

While I’ve cut many people in my life, for many reasons…there have been a few people in my life recently that I’m finding more a burden than blessing. Despite them being decent people…they’re occasionally causing me unnecessary drama, or making me feel bad about myself. I’ve been ‘hand holding’ some of these people lately, babying them….but I think it’s time to stop. People don’t grow if they don’t allow themselves to grow.

Side rant: It’s not that I don’t like helping people at work, but I don’t like answering questions that people can figure out themselves if they just spend time. I have one guy always ask me stuff that I know he can figure out, because he doesn’t wanna spend the time to debug. It’s faster, and easier to ask me. Well….yes, it’s faster and easier for him but it’s simply a hindrance to me. He doesn’t care tho. Sighhhhh. Makes me >:( . Oh well, I’m sort of a jerk to him/make fun of him so maybe he’ll stop asking me. Of the 2 senior developers, I’m definitely not the nice one :P Yes, it’s petty and mean but that’s the solution I’ve come up with…I think it’s working, so whatever :)

Anyways, I’m just tired of hand holding adults. I mean, despite using the term “adult”, there are always those who behave more like children or teenagers than mature adults, regardless of age. I call those people FAIL HUMANS. I mean, I get that sometimes people need hand holding….but sometimes it’s just really annoying/frustrating. If only some people had this thing called “Common Sense” and “Courtesy”.
In some cases, some people I know have neither. And I’ve lost all use for their friendship in my life.

Squinting my eyes, I whisper “You’re dead to me” under my breath as I think of them.

I just have to remember…to ignore the useless people rather than humor them or give in to their negativity at a moment’s weakness. It’s difficult to stay alert at all times after all.

Don’t Wanna Lose You Now – Backstreet Boys

Friday, August 5th, 2011 at 2:49 am

Don’t Wanna Lose You Now – Backstreet Boys

I can count a handful of people that know this is one of my favorite songs…
I don’t think any song could better express how I felt yesterday than this. As I listened to it now, each lyric like an emotional dagger to my heart. It’s not a happy song, but it’s a hopeful song. A song of overcoming obstacles…a song of desperation, a song of faith, a song of love.

To love someone so much that despite the stupid mistakes you’ve done, despite whatever obstacles you’re faced with, you can overcome it…together. It’s a love I guess I always wished to have, even when I didn’t have it. Something I understood in concept, even without an actual person.

I’ve always liked this song, going back to high school where it was never a single, but still one of my most played song. The song I sang in my singing competition. I hope that when I listen to this in the future, it will remind me of the last few days. I hope it will forever remind me not to be stupid, and not to take what I have for granted.

God, how could I have been so stupid…

Meganekko (Girls with Glasses)

Tuesday, April 26th, 2011 at 3:14 am

There was a post a couple days ago on Kotaku: What’s Japan Fetishizing This Week – Glasses

While I found much of the article to be a bore, I found one of the last paragraphs to be particularly interesting.

In Japan, Akiman points out, it’s thought that the reason people wear glasses is because they read too much or play too many video games or watch too much TV. According to Akiman, “The moment that someone puts on glasses, even if it’s Superman, they take on the appearance of being an introvert like me.” The reason why girls who wear glasses are appealing is that they thus appear to be introverts, and it’s easy for fellow introverts to relate to them. As Akiman says, girls with glasses become “one of us”. Thus, the glasses themselves become an object of fetish. “Japanese people are basically introverted,” says Akiman, “and I think that’s why this fetish has grown.”

I’m going to reference this monologue later as well, so I’ll post it here. It’s from the Seinfeld episode, “The Sponge”:

“I have a friend, wears eyeglasses, no prescription in the glasses because he thinks it makes him look more intelligent. Now why? Why do we think that glasses makes us look more intelligent? Is it from the endless hours of reading and studying and researching that this person supposedly blew out their eyeballs, and that’s why they need the glasses? It’s just a corrective device. If you see someone with a hearing aid, you don’t think, ‘Oh, they must have been listening real good…yeah, to a lot of important stuff…’ No, they are deaf. They can’t hear.”

Now, I can honestly say from much experience that I’m the type of person that likes a pair of stylish glasses on an attractive girl moreso than that same girl without the glasses. But it definitely has to be the right kind of glasses. I’m not talking nerd glasses that they have to wear. I’m talking about a girl, trying on various frames to find the right look for her. To find the one that screams “her”. The frames that visually define her personality. Now, I figure most women (and men) do this. Those that don’t do this don’t care about their appearance. And if they don’t care, why should I (or anyone?).

Anyways, what really caught my attention in the blockquote above was “introvert”. Being an introvert myself, I find I’m highly attracted to introvert girls. I’m intrigued by introvert men as well (well, not in that way). The reason is…there’s a connection there. Extroverts frankly…don’t interest me so much. I find they’re generally…free in ways that I’m not, they talk without thinking and do without thinking. And I don’t generally respect that. I’m a person that respects the mind and intelligence more than almost any other attribute. That’s not to say I only value that, but it’s always been very high on my respect list. A person will have my respect if they’re intelligent. It’s as simple as that. I will be nice, I will be patient, I will treat a person like a human being if they’re reasonably intelligent. And I won’t if they’re not. Yes, it’s horrible, but it’s true. That’s just how I am.

Damn, I always get sidetracked with tangent rants. Back to the topic: I like glasses on a female because I immediately think 2 things
1. They’re intelligent.
2. They’re introverts.

2 wins. 2 things that I’m just drawn to. But really, what’s the basis for the first point. Like the Seinfeld monologue (quoted above), is there a correlation between glasses an intelligence? Sometimes?….but that might just be coincidence. There’s also genetics involved, plus a number of other things I would list to sound like I know what I’m talking about but at 3AM, am too lazy to research tonight.

Now, I wore my prescriptionless glasses to work today. I did it on purpose, partially because of this post and the kotaku post and partially because…well, I like the way I look in them. It’s funny but one of the first things that someone said to me (who hadn’t seen me wear my prescriptionless glasses before) was that “I look smarter”. Despite possibly no correlation between glasses and intelligence, you can’t deny the fact that people associate the two together.

I didn’t really think about all this glasses stuff until the Kotaku article peaked my interest. This hasn’t been the first time I’ve worn my prescriptionless glasses for no apparent reason. I won’t even wear my prescription glasses in public because the lenses are so thick…I’m simply too vain for that. So I wear these glasses for 3 reasons.
1. I believe I look more intelligent and people believe I look more intelligent. A trait that’s important to me.
2. I believe I look good in them.
The newly discovered #3 is:
3. I want to look introverted and attract other introverts.

I mean…if I’m attracted to people with glasses (meaning I believe they’re introverts), then by wearing glasses, it’s possible that I’ll attract other introverts…? Well, I don’t quite know how that theory plays out in a girl head though. Are introverted women attracted to introverted or extroverted men? The mind of a woman is something I’ll never understand. Y’know, because b!tches be trippin’

I’ve said it before (in my Scott Pilgrim post for example) but I’m basically attracted to a female version of myself. But I definitely believe that a person like myself would not be the best person FOR me. Because there are so many aspects about myself that I hate, the insecurity, the antisocial behaviour, the arrogance, the narcissism…dealing with someone with similar traits, on a daily and frequent basis would get super annoying. Being arrogant and talking to an arrogant person is one of the most frustrating and annoying things ever. And two narcissistic people in a relationship just…wouldn’t work. I’m a taker, not a giver…so I need a giver to balance the relationship out. “You don’t always get what you want but sometimes you get what you need”. I don’t even know if that quote applies to my paragraph, I’m so insanely tired….but I’ve been rewatching all the House episodes (currently near the end of Season 3) and that just popped into my head.

Damn, another tangent rant. Anyways, I’m basically that girl I described above, the one who cares about how they look and is trying to identify the right image to define me. I’m the guy with <insert descriptive word> hair. I wear untucked dress shirts and sneakers. I don’t care about my clothes but I care about my image. And I wear non-prescription glasses to compliment my image and convey the exact same things that I find attractive: Intelligence and an Introverted personality. Granted, I don’t wear these glasses as often as I could…partially because it doesn’t make logical sense to wear them and partially because, for some reason, I always feel like I have an oily forehead when I wear glasses :S It’s weird. Probably psychological. But true. Don’t ask me.

And this all brings me to this image, which is featured on my About Me page

I posted this image a while ago, when I got my prescriptionless glasses I think. Before I thought about the glasses thing and introvert thing. Before I thought about WHY I like wearing glasses.

Why didn’t I post an image without glasses, the look I have 95% of the time I go out?

No, I posted the image that conveyed the things I like and respect. I posted the image that I felt defined me best.

The Mixed Tape

Saturday, November 6th, 2010 at 12:39 am

Jack’s Mannequin – The Mixed Tape

Where are you now?
As I’m swimming through the stereo
I’m writing you a symphony of sound
Where are you now?
As I rearrange the songs again
This mix could burn a hole in anyone
But it was you I was thinking of

I don’t know, something about this song and it’s discussion of a making a mixed tape has reminded me of various songs which I associate with people I’ve liked or have liked me (or both). And I’m wondering “Where are you now?”. I have no idea where the majority of them are or what they’re doing. There are few I keep in touch with, some I have as friends on Facebook but don’t talk to ever…and it’s odd because again, spending/talking to someone, enough that there’s a one-way or two-sided attraction….and then down the road, there’s nothing except a memory. I mean, people change but at some point, there’s a moment in both these people where a romantic relationship exists. Is it that difficult to have and maintain a lifelong romantic relationship with someone? Some people find that connection early, some people find it later, and some never find it at all. But at some point, I hope everyone in their life experiences that potential for a lifelong romantic relationship. The feeling of liking someone and having that feeling reciprocated…is awesome.

Wow, I just started randomly listening to another song…which happens to relate specifically to what I’m writing about….well, the start of the song:

Backstreet Boys – I Still…

Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do?
At this very moment
When I think of you
And when I’m looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?

/remembering the past…and smiling at how young and stupid i used to be…