Warren Shea - World of Warren

Social Anxiety Disorder (Social Phobia)

Monday, March 22nd, 2010 at 2:05 am

I originally wanted to discuss another form of Social Anxiety Disorder: One on one interaction but as I’ve written this, I realize that I suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder in general.

I’m very uncomfortable in a one on one social situation unless it’s with someone I’m fairly comfortable with or it’s someone that I WANT to be with. For work related issues (i.e. meetings) it’s not so much of an issue. There’s a topic to be discussed and that is the focus. But I’ll avoid say

1) Going out to lunch with someone I’m not too familiar with or if I feel the situation might have awkward silences.
2) Being in a car with only one person.
3) Having one (or many) guests over at my place.

There are many exceptions. I don’t have any issues regarding the above with Zena, my good friends, or some of my co-workers. But I would generally avoid the situation with strangers or people with uncommon interests.

Regarding my co-workers, I’d feel comfortable with Clint, Karol, Ron or Chris. But I wouldn’t feel comfortable with Xin, Derek or any OLM (with the possible exception of Ackley). It’s not that they aren’t as close to me as my other co-workers but we don’t have as much in common. Once you get past work related topics, there’s not much to talk about with them (for me). They’re harder to talk to and I don’t like forcing conversation. I also don’t like the silence and thus, I’d avoid the situation in general.

I would be fine in a group of 3. Though with 3 people the dynamic completely changes. I don’t like if my brother stays over at my condo unless Zena’s there. I’ve been in a one on one with my brother, it’s not fun and it doesn’t turn out well. But when Zena’s around, it’s completely different. I also don’t generally like going out for coffee runs with just 1 person but I’d go if there are at least 2.

I wasn’t sure why this is, I assumed it was just another social anxiety issue (much like my eating in front of others phobia). But after trying to find this specific issue, I’ve come to the more general realization that I simply have Social Anxiety Disorder.

Wikipedia says:
Social anxiety is anxiety (emotional discomfort, fear, apprehension, or worry) about social situations, interactions with others, and being evaluated or scrutinized by other people.

Some items of note from this page that apply directly to me:
Social anxiety can also be self-integrated and persistent for people who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder, which can also make the social anxiety harder to overcome, especially if ignored.

Another site listed triggering situations. I will place a “Y” beside items which I have an issue with:
Being introduced to other people – Y
Being teased or criticized – Y – but I don’t know anyone that likes that…I get teased a lot, it doesn’t really bother me….criticized is different though. I can get defensive.
Being the center of attention – Y
Being watched or observed while doing something – Y
Having to say something in a formal, public situation – Y
Meeting people in authority (“important people/authority figures”) – Y
Feeling insecure and out of place in social situations (“I don’t know what to say.”) – Y
Embarrassing easily (e.g., blushing, shaking) – Y – I shake a lot
Meeting other peoples’ eyes – Y
Swallowing, writing, talking, making phone calls if in public – I don’t like making phone calls in public, the rest I’m okay with…

When I look at the trigger situations, I realize how obvious it all is. I wouldn’t say I’m terribly affected by it..I can still do these things I might generally avoid if I’m forced to. Without a post like this, it might not be noticeable to the observer…but if you’re aware of this, being around me might suddenly make a whole lot more sense.

I’m not going to try to fight it, it’s not really an issue at the moment. Being with Zena all the time does probably make my situation worse. I often make her do the things I’m uncomfortable doing…waving down a waitress, talking to a comic-con dealer to get a better deal, talking to store-clerks, asking store-clerks for directions, etc. Yes, I have issues with all the above menial things. Frig, the fact that I put my pants on properly 3/5 times during the week is a feat for me.

Damn. I need to get better at this stuff. I can only see the situation getting worse, especially if Zena bails me out all the time. I’ll have to be careful of this…and start to do things I generally would avoid…Damn you self-improvement! Always trying to make me better than I am…you pain in the ass…

Posted in All Posts, Introspection, My Life, OCD | 4 Comments »

The blog will continue! Full speed ahead!

Monday, March 22nd, 2010 at 12:51 am

Being alone with my thoughts for almost 3 hours today made me realize just how much more I want to say/write….really, the only thing necessary for my blog posts is some time alone with my thoughts. Coming up with topics while driving is ridiculously easy. Remembering those same topics by the time I get back to my computer is the tricky part.

I really need to stop…making new posts while I have so many unfinished (but mostly written) posts in my drafts…I should really finish those off before writing new posts…I have like, 15 atm O_O

I tend to resist blogging after I’ve made a meaningful post. Like my last post, I wanted to leave for a few days so that I could get more comments or feedback…but again, self control isn’t my strength and the 3 hour drive I had made me very excited to write.

This weekend

1. My mind was in productive mode…but Zena was here. And when she’s around, it’s so easy to fall out of productive mode. It’s like there’s a fire under my ass to get sh!t done when I’m alone. And then when she’s around, that fire is just a nice warmth…that puts me to sleep.

2. Zena was playing WoW and I remembered the pull and urge I got from WoW. I was interested but not enough to even think about re-logging in. Seriously though, when she comes back and she’s done school and fully into WoW…will I be able to keep away? Can a smoker stop smoking if everyday, someone’s blowing smoke in his face? Can an alcoholic stop drinking if the alcohol is constantly being dangled in front of him? These answers all point to “no”…but will I be able to defy the addiction? I would say time will tell…but no….as I write this, I’ll cancel my account/uninstall it from my comp, at least before Zena gets back. WoW is/was probably the biggest mistake of my entire life. But more about that later *hint* it’s a future blog post…

That’s it for now. Right now I don’t feel like I’ll stop blogging…but then again, I’m also fickle. The gemini part of me makes me feel completely different on different days…or in this case, completely different a few hours later…

Posted in All Posts, Blogging, Writing | No Comments »

Blogging about blogging Part 2

Sunday, March 21st, 2010 at 3:04 pm

Few things regarding this blog:

1. I still want to write but the reason I started blogging is no longer applicable. I’ve completed what I needed to complete with it. This means…I’m going to chill a little on this blog. I’m already slowing down (and that’s a good thing).

2. Thanks to my readers. I count 11 of you that consistently read -voluntarily-. This does not include people whom I tell/force to read my blog (Ron & Chris, you don’t count as my readers…cuz ur jerkfaces…)

3. There were quite a few rants that I’ve accumulated in my head throughout my LIFETIME. And a lot of them have already been written…for example:
“I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do”
Hi. I’m Warren. I’m a web developer.
Life. As seen through the eyes of Warren.
The internet is bad.
“People always leave.”
I’ve only got a couple of -meaningful- blog posts that I have in my head left. This means that either I reduce my number of posts or maintain my meaningless posts…the idiocy ones or the ones written on the fly. So, I’m going to ask you, the readers, do you just like reading whatever? Short posts of all the little things I notice? Or do you prefer posts that are long, more thought out, and…possibly more interesting?

And why don’t I just do what I want? I don’t really know what I want…As I said, the reason I started blogging no longer applies. I want to find new purpose, new motivation. If I don’t have a reason…I’ll revert back to old, lazy Warren. I’m looking for feedback, I’m looking for guidance…

Posted in All Posts, Blogging, Writing | 3 Comments »

“I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do”

Thursday, March 18th, 2010 at 1:01 am

Savage Garden – Affirmation <-- song, click to play

I just felt those words resonate with me. I’m watching this House episode where this over protective mother won’t let the doctors treat her son because she’s a stubborn, tough old broad. I started to think about how (loving) parents…don’t always do what’s best. Because they love, because they care, they can be irrational. Their judgment can be flawed because they’re too emotionally invested. But…they still do what they believe is best for their children.

Parents don’t get the credit they deserve from any of you (yes, I’m talking to -you-). I’m guilty as well. I’m short with my parents (or maybe I’m short BECAUSE of my parents – ba dum dum ching!), I lose my temper easily. I don’t talk to them often. They don’t call anymore because when they did, I’d be “too busy” to talk to them…but I’d just be lying cuz I’d be in the middle of some show and it was more important. I don’t call them because I’m independent, I don’t call them just like I don’t really call anyone. I blocked them on MSN because I used to write profanity in my MSN status and I didn’t want them knowing their son swore…I always turned profanity off around them. Like those words didn’t exist.

Wow, I sound like such an awful son don’t I? Which…might just be the truth.

Anyways, I guess I could unblock them now, my MSN status remains unchanged…but then they might come across my blog. I’ve made a number of references towards them…never anything bad but…would I be embarrassed if they read this blog? If they found out some of the frakked up things about me? Maybe….Even this post might shatter how they see me.

I’m getting a bit side-tracked…I want to get back to my original point of this post.

I said something today in front of my co-workers…
“Stupid people should not have children”. I believe I incorrectly used the word “stupid”…but the message I wanted to convey is that…while it’s everyone’s right to have children, I personally don’t think it’s always a good idea.

Regarding abortion, I’m very much pro-choice. I don’t believe children should be born into this world if their parents aren’t ready to have them. Or if the child was the result of one stupid, drunken night. Or if the child was born into a family with not enough financial support. I’m going to be honest – regarding any life, I don’t think love is enough. A child should be raised with responsible, reasonably intelligent parents.

I want to clear this up before I go further: I’m not going to go into the ethics of abortion and how it’s ending a life and every life is precious. Going back to what I said in previous blog posts, I don’t believe life is precious. Life can be created quite easily. It just takes some alcohol and poor judgment, something the human race has an abundance of. That’s a tad cynical but the point is that I don’t see life itself as precious. But that’s just me. Create it. End it. We might as well be Gods in our own way.

Again, I’m getting side tracked. To continue what I was saying before…

A child should be raised with responsible, reasonably intelligent parents. They should have money to support the child and family. They should be mature, they should be loving, they should be this, they should be that. As children, we probably saw our parents as Gods. Seriously, they were the higher power. They fed us, they bathed us, controlled us, disciplined us, they were the shining example of what we should be. That is…until we got a little older and realized how flawed they are. How…similar they are to just about every other person you’ve ever met. How they have strengths. How they have weaknesses. How they weren’t Gods. They are just….human….like everyone else. But they saw themselves as Gods, molding life in their image. Trying to create the best possible offspring. They might have succeeded. They might have failed. But they did the best job they knew how to do.

And on that note, you should call your parents. Just to say hi. Because…they’ll love it. And it’s so easy for you. Now, you might do that. You might not. And despite all I’ve written, I probably won’t. Because the important things get left unsaid. And I’ve always been a terribad son. And I’ll probably, despite my best efforts, be a terribad father. Actually, I don’t believe that at all.

This post…is probably the most accurate post of how my mind works and how I think about things. When I walk to work, I start thinking of something, but it snowballs into this and that, leading to whatever topic tickles my interest. This might be one of my most all over the place posts…and that’s how I think. Up here *points to head*, I’m a mess. But you already know that :)

Posted in All Posts, Family, Insightful Reads, Life | 1 Comment »

Hi. I’m Warren. I’m a web developer.

Monday, March 15th, 2010 at 8:55 pm

While I’m on my life high, I thought I should write about this profession that I love. I’m a bit disappointed though, there’s not really any passion in this post…despite being a profession I love. I guess I’m not feeling it today….

I originally started out as a web designer. My skills were mostly focused around Photoshop and some Flash/Premiere. I had an artistic background and at the time of developing my Photoshop skill, I was (relatively speaking) one of the better digital artists that I knew of. Looking back at it now, it was probably because I had more exposure to Photoshop than everyone else…not because of my artistic skill (which I find pretty lacking – maybe because I haven’t developed it in years).

I continued to be a web designer with minor development skills from high school, all the way until a few of years ago (2000-2007~). I would occasionally do development. I eventually started using <!Doctype> instead of <html>, <div> instead of <table>, css instead of default tag properties. I slowly learned vb syntax. I slowly learned about databases and SQL. I slowly learned c# syntax. All of these things were very gradual, picking up pieces of information here and there…but it was never really my focus. I loved my Photoshop. I thought I could spend all day using Photoshop.

Eventually…my tastes seemed to change. Even with my current eBusiness team, I was originally hired as a designer. A couple of months in and I turned into a hybrid, a designer/developer. I mostly focused on design but I also helped the developers. I was good at debugging, I understood code, logic, etc. Eventually, I made the decision to switch from designer to developer…and I haven’t looked back.

I had two concerns regarding being a developer. First, I wasn’t sure if my skill would be enough. Being surrounded by awesome developers all day, everyday in Waterloo made me question my skills. Relatively speaking to them, I was a bad developer. But relatively speaking to the general population, I’m average or slightly above average.

My other concern 3 years ago was that I couldn’t see myself looking at code all day. I thought it would be boring….but I could see myself using Photoshop all day. This goes back to one of my lifelong goals of finding a profession I enjoy. I wanted to make sure that whatever I was doing, I was having fun. A few more months of Photoshop all day and I started to realize that it didn’t quite stimulate my mind like development did. I could do either all day but…development challenged me in more of a traditional sense whereas I felt that design challenged me only if I actually challenged myself to look at things differently.

I started to slowly be drawn into the development world. I like that development focuses on many logical steps to create a seemingly illogical solution. I like that you can develop something, test it, and either feel a sense of accomplishment or reevaluate the problem, test again, and repeat to eventually feel that sense of accomplishment. I didn’t really feel that with design. Design is subjective. I could do something that I felt was my best work, only to have some half wit tear it down. I doubt I could handle idiots telling me what they think is best. It would make me frustrated. That’s rarely an issue as a developer – except that one recent time when other developers were analyzing/judging my code…that pissed me off >:(

Anyways, I’m a developer now. And I love it. I’m not the greatest developer (not talking web, talking about in general)…but web is seriously EZ MODE in comparison to what’s out there. Which is why it’s perfect for me. I’m not intelligent enough to be a great developer, I’m not a quick learner and I don’t love development like I could/should. I rarely, if ever, look at tech blogs or read up on the latest technologies. But. I’m intelligent enough to do my job well. I’m quick enough to do my job well. I don’t need to read about the latest technologies because I wouldn’t touch that stuff anyways.

The fact is, I’m good at my job. And I’ve chosen it because it doesn’t challenge me like some jobs could. I like being over qualified rather than being under qualified. I don’t think my pride could take being frequently defeated. I know I didn’t handle that lack of ASP.NET knowledge well…I freaked out. I was motivated to learn it but that sort of….wore off…I’d much rather watch House :)

There are more challenging jobs out there…and I admire those that want to try them, that reach for the stars, that always want to jump to the next, harder project. I’m a bit more realistic, judging the situation according to my abilities and myself. I don’t want to make life too difficult for myself. I enjoy being challenged but I also enjoy being lazy. Working too hard leads to burnout. For me, the key to life is always about balance.

I realize that a younger me would call myself a coward…running away from my problems. But I look at life now and say that I’m happy. Not too difficult…not too easy. Balance works. I’d kick that little kid’s ass anyways. Though he could probably outrun me. Little bastard.

I think I’ll stop this post here.

Posted in All Posts, My Life, Past, Web Developer | No Comments »